As long as I have a shred of neediness in my body, as long as I'm not 100% sure of my ability to attract, comfort, fuck, and date a beautiful woman, the NEED for a woman in my life will always be the emotionally sticky, self-esteem-changing thing that it has been for the rest of my life.

I realized lately that I can bone girls. I realized that I'm a normal guy and can pull when certain moons align. What I also realized is that I can really multiply that effectiveness if I study PU. I was studying PU to become normal, which was putting the cart before the horse.

i don't need to study PU to feel normal or socially acceptable. I now want to study PU for the truer reason of desiring poon and getting laid and getting trim. I don't want to study PU to have people like me or to be interesting or normal. That's done with, I'm there. I see now how certain guys got to the point of getting really good at PU. First they had to be normalized, which is something I think I've experienced. UGH

lesson learned

when i drink, it becomes incredibly difficult to:
-keep it up
-come
-focus on the female

if i'm sober, and i can see what's going on (i'm super visual during sex), then no problem. if i'm drunk, then it's going to require herculean efforts to finish up. i see the pattern now, and I'm going to avoid drinking when i believe a female is coming through, and not worry when i don't think a female is coming through.

respect.

Pahty

Hit up a party. Alcohol + women + me = flirt zone. I was doing great last night. Attracted the girl I wanted, but had logistical problems get in the way. Should have grabbed her number, but I hadn't qualified her enough. Also chatted with her friend and got her semi-attracted, as well. The main difference between sober and drunk me is that I keep talking when I'm drunk.

going out

Went out. Saw maybe 5 girls alone that were cute. Tried to open one, but I let her get away. I opened another but she walked away (headphones, but I think she noticed me), and didn't open the rest. There were absurd amounts of hot girls with friends, but groups still weird me out, and I have no idea how to make that happen. It's something I'm not used to.

I got annoyed at the BL forums getting clogged with off-topic posts about articles and cute videos, but people don't like it when I say that it's off-topic, so whatever. I'm not Warwick, or even a deputy moderator, so it's not my place. I guess I was just annoyed that we have an established off-topic forum and it never gets used, but valuable posts are being swarmed by stuff that I don't think is particularly helpful. Boobies. I think I should steer clear of BL until I have something useful and SPECIFIC to offer, because I have no real business being there and spending my time reading posts, etc.

Going out tomorrow.

I got a haircut today, and it's totally generic, not at all interesting. I'm starting to question the awesomeness of Ojee's.

I'll be attending the Saturday even where Entropy will be speaking. I'm looking forward to hearing him talk. It's on post-lay stuff, which isn't relevant to my life, but I'd like to hear, learn anyway, and support.

Haven't been going out much, or doing much.

LR: Drunk

Hooked up with hot black chick (7.5), but couldn't get it up when it came to penetrating, even after she Beejed me. Very nice girl, too bad I couldn't f her brains out.

My game was commanding the interactions, being very funny, having one or two similarities, and a little bit of push pull. She was also kind of drunk. I had been drinking too, but I don't really think that contributed to the dick problem. I just couldn't get it up, and started to have some really negative feelings, but I cancelled those out, and ended up feeling neutral about it. It happens.

Whatever.

The next day was very awkward for me.

Incidentally, I had sabotaged my HMO-less streak, so it had been one day. I don't know what that means, but it may have affected my performance.

I think it played it as best I could, you know, not taking myself too seriously, thinking just about how good her body felt, relaxing as much as possible. No dice.

Anti-onanistic Observation

Not jerking it helps SO MUCH for approach anxiety, desire, normalization of behavior. After 5 days of restriction, I went out today, and had almost no anxiety. I'm going to regulate it to every 5 days or maybe 7 if that increases my aggression. I even sent in a job application to a local temporary staffing group.

Is withholding masturbating my salvation?

I will just count off the days. Unlike pretty much everything else in my life, I won't need charts or graphs or checklists or calendars to keep track of it, because I feel every day going past.

Being fearless when talking to girls is such a wonderful payoff for the resistance of my habits and urges.

Today is Day 1. Saturday will be Day 6. I will withhold until I feel a decrease in aggression, and then scale it back to the zenith.

minor note

daygame approached a korean 6. she didn't speak much english, but was clearly trying very hard to blow me off. first daygame approach for real in about a month or two.

Update

Apparently, some of my friends (community) read this blog from time to time, so time to throw up something.

Fact is, I've been much more focused on things outside of women. I don't have the lifestyle to have/enjoy a lot of women in my life right now (jobless and living in quincy with my dad doesn't do it for me). I've been more focused on what I will do for money, focused on silly trivial pursuits, and focused on distracting but somewhat useful things (working out, yoga, cleaning the house, etc.). I haven't been out talking to girls in a while, and I suspect that once I start doing it regularly again, I will be massively rusty.

In other news, I put on a tuxedo and bow tie, along with my suit, and I make a sweet James Bond, and I will wear that James Bond outfit to Philadelphia for the opening day of the new James Bond movie with my awesome sister. Then we will apparently go on a 7-hour meditation retreat? Whatever.

AWESOME

Funniest thing ever:
Last 60 seconds of the episode "Mac bangs Dennis's Mom" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Update

Haven't been going out. No other significant updates.

Interracial marriage

Quotes from Wikipedia
"By 2006, 41 percent of Asian American-born women were registered as having Caucasian husbands, while 50 percent were married to Asian American men."
"In the 2000 census... 95,831 Caucasian American male to African American female marriages were recorded..."
Other conclusions:
-There may be a trend between greater education and less endogamy.
-People date are more likely to date outside of their race than to marry outside of it.

Point being: THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL!!!!

Meta Sticking Points (IOW, REAL sticking points)

I know one or two people actually read my blog, so beware: this post is very stream of consciousness, and is probably difficult to read/digest.

Sticking Points:
1. I'm not comfortable around women.
2. I don't trust women (I think they're going to hurt me or make me look foolish).
3. I have no faith in my sexual abilities.
4. I'm not living a life that I love.
5. I think hot and even middling women have no use for me (sexually nor socially) because their lives are filled with more competent, interesting, and successful men than me.
6. I resent how much easier a life women have in many areas which which I struggle (social skills, getting laid).
7. My imagination almost never allows me to see a positive resolution/outcome (If I visualize myself opening the set, something bad will happen. If I visualize myself boning a girl, there will be absurd drama, like an ex with a gun or a hostage situation, lol.)

Logistical sticking points:
1a. I don't go out reliably and approach reliably.
2a. I don't push myself to extend interactions.
3a. I allow myself to run out of things to say.
4a. I'm not comfortable in-set, unless things are going visibly very well.

My ideas for solutions:
1. Get female friends. Approach more sets. Immerse myself in an abundance mentality with women. Spend time around women (aYoooga?!) EDIT: Spend time outside of the house. Live life with other people in social places. Get out of the damn house!
2. Therapy. Lol seriously? Or talk to women and realize that everyone has their own vulnerabilities. Also, start getting success at pickup and socializing and dispel all the hilarious conspiracy theories about women wanting to shame me or hurt me.
3. Keep on plugging away and focus on implementing DEVI into my sexuality. Based on my experiences with sex thus far, ongoing improvement in sexuality will be my metric for sexual confidence, because my past isn't encouraging.
4. Get a better job, make friends, follow my passions (this solution is the most bullshit of all. All I have to do to fix this is transform my entire life. At the same time, I can see how simple a lot of these things are. Getting a job I love is as simple as DECIDING on something I love doing, and plugging away at that until I succeed or can't continue).
5. Start hooking up with hot women. Meet guys that are boning hot women, and learn from them! This is all an illusion. Hot women want me, if I can SHOW them that I have what they want (which IMO is social juice and sexual expertise. I feel like being a decent human being is optional for hooking up with hot girls. Question: could an evil villain bro with AMAZING sexual and social skills keep women around? Would they be quality females?)
6. Start succeeding. Recognize that everyone has their own life and struggles, and it's different for everyone. (Women have their own problems, too.)
7. CANCEL the negative glimpses into the possible future. Why look for anything beyond what will help me? Deal with the bad in the present when it HAPPENS, anticipate the good in the future.

1a. I've struggled with this for a long time. The things that work are:
-I go out more when I have a routinized day (a regular free time for going out to scout pussy).
-I approach much more when I have a wing, and even more when I have a wing that I look up to or am good friends with.
-I approach more when I have a good attitude/outlook and I'm having fun, whatever that means. My definition of "fun" is seriously bizarre these days. (Lately I tend to be amused by lots of meta- stuff, like human foibles, awkward situations, people trying to hide an agenda, etc.)
-I tend to stop going out for a while when I have a bout of low self-esteem, a sicknesss, a schedule change, or I become engrossed in a TV show/video game.
-I tend to not approach much when I am unhappy, thinking about some problem in my life, or am feeling self-conscious.
2a. More social pressure resistance thru more sets. Also, eyes on the prize mentality (meeting new people, trying to share my core, then fucking) where the prize is my motivation for being in set, not a desire to be liked or tolerated or amusing.
3a. Unstifle my inner core. My inner core is already funnier, more garrulous, more convincing, and more REAL than I could ever truly need to harness. I just need to unstifle it. HOW? Social pressure resistance. Being more ad lib. Saying things on my mind without editing. Sharing weaknesses and worries tends to help me unstifle around others (although it's depressing and there's gotta be a better way).
4a. Share as much as I can, every time. Massive field experience. Learn to plow. Allow the moment to "be", and all human failures I might commit are acceptable.

Condams

Bought 50-pack of Durex Extra Sensitive condoms for $17.95 at Condom Depot. The 100-pack is 25$. Once I think I have enough room for 50 more, that'll be my purchase. The usefulness of the bargains taper off from there, although it's $125 for 1000, which is sweet. Isn't 50 enough for now?

I don't currently have need for that many, but it's less than 20$, and I don't have to transfer one older condom from pocket to pocket to backpack to whatever. Now it's box to jeans, or box to pocket, yada yada.

In other news, my dad and grandparents pitched in to buy me two new custom-tailored shirts. The cost: $370. They better have some kind of amazing function, like creating a Power Rangers Zord or shooting flames.

Yoga has been fucking with my pectorals, so it's difficult to stretch out my arms without pain. However, I love yoga, and will probably do it every day for the next 2-3 months. It's worth the $100-a-month cost. It is, however, taking up all my free time, and I hydrate all day and plan my day around it. If i did it earlier (630 AM, 9 AM) perhaps I would have more time to do shit.

Once I begin my job, I will almost certainly have to do the 630 AM class, so that will involve a lot of time rescheduling. Anyway, whatever. F this S, and S a D. I'm going to bed early, and will celebrate Columbus Day by getting into the field.

Also, I need female friends. How do I get them?

Yoga

Yoga is good. I don't want to make any claims that I can't back up. I've only been doing it for 3 days, and I think I feel better in general, possibly as a result.

I do it in combination with cardio and weightlifting, because I saw that Jlaix used to write about doing it for the "athletic" look or whatever. Point being, I want a swimmer's body, a yogi's flexibility, and a marathon runner's endurance. Why? Two reasons.
1. Sexy times.
2. Feeling sexy.
That's all.

OR

I haven't been out in a while, so when I do go out, things get ugly. Awkwardness, running out of things to say, AA, whatever. That was followed this morning by lots of crappy feelings about pickup and life. It's true, if self-pity could be canned, it would sell better than crack.

Gotta get over myself,a nd do something. I'm going to run, work on my abs, and then do yoga.

Birthday

Today (October 8th) I've turned 24. This opens a new chapter in my life. Pick up is important to me, and I want to learn it. I'm willing to dedicate more time and effort to it, especially as I will be taking on a new job soon which will provide me with enough money to get involved in a couple things (new apartment, gym membership, more nights out, potentially learn krav maga, and yoga). My goal is to make 24 my best year so far. That means more fun, more dedication, and less mental yogurt (brain dead time). I want to turn 25 and have everything in my life going in the right direction.

I don't want to break down how I'm going to go about getting my "skillset" right now, mostly because I'm tired and I want to sleep. Plenty of guys have learned how to do this, why not me? Anyway, great success on the 24th, and I can't wait to make this happen. Tomorrow is Day 1.

Update on Update

I'm turning 24 on October 8th. Expect an update. I haven't updated because I've been sick and hermited for a bit.

I've been doing a lot of work to improve my self-perception, although I've undergone a lot of setbacks and postponements. I've learned that a lot of this process involves awareness/presence.

Nothing to report game-wise.

OR

Today I bought a white cuff bracelet thing. I also bought a legit asian guy hat from H&M. I was going to buy this vest from Bennetton which costs 62-5$ (30% off 89$), but I hesitated because it's a big buy and I want to know what else is out there first. It is dark charcoal with white and blue striping (extremely thin stripes, very thinning effect). It looks sweet. I might have to get it. Size 44 EUR.

In order to qualify today for a sarging day, i hit up one indian girl. She got weirded out when I didn't smoothly transition, although she seemed pleased by the initial opener. I said something like "I'm Evan.... this is where normal people introduce themselves." But something got lost in translation, it got weird, game over.

Two new outfits


I put a belt across my chest, Rambo-style. Jean jacket- good or bad?



Today's 'fit. Light pink long-sleeve T, new azn guy hat, possibly missing some kind of necklace peacocking device.

Keep Going!

I hit a hot streak, got feeling pretty good and primed to grab a bunch of digits and butts, and then I stopped going out and have probably gone back to square two, maybe square one. I always sabotage this stuff when I'm getting somewhere. The mind reels what would happen if I kept going.

outfits

Saw something vaguely similar on Kinowear or GQ. Lots of shit tests on the tie that night. Will wear it more often.



This outfit got me the most AI I've ever had in daygame. It bought me at least 2-3 minutes with this hottie from Florida that I was boring. Note the J-guy hat that you always see the "cool" azn dudes wearing. You can't see from the front, but it's baggy and extends to the nape of my neck. With all the AZN shit, this outfit is designed to bait AZN girlies.



Not a lot of AI from this, but I thought it was a well-put-together outfit. Wanted to use that jacket, it's been gathering dust for a while. A little bit of white-offwhite interference going on.

EDIT: I'm looking really weird in all 3 pictures. What's up with my face? Anyway, it's a start. Hopefully, the outfits get more fine-tuned as I progress.

Going out

I went out Thursday, Thursday night, Friday, Friday night, Saturday, not Saturday night, and I'm going out later today, Sunday. not surprisingly, this momentum has got me in something of a streak. Nothing amazing, but it's hotter than usual by far.

My sticking point in daygame is not smiling enough and not vibing better/more smoothly. Not surprising that going out a lot changes your game. i'm starting to see some things, such as how to run a real night game sarge (lots of kino and dominance). Being visibly frightened in set isn't good, nor is being a little girly boy who doesn't express interest.

Dressing well increases the AI I get several fold. I wore an extremely edgy stylish outfit and even moderately attractive girls were giving me the eye. It is noticeable how dressing to your look makes a difference. I'm going to put up some pictures soon. Every time from now on, when I like the outfit I'm wearing, I'll post it up on the blog or something, because I'm starting to understand fashion now. It's a lot like music. You'll have a basic chord with three or four notes that fall directly in line with the "normal" chord, but then you'll add an accentuating note, or change one of the basic notes in a way that adds a layer of suspense or juxtaposition of two ideas. This analogy should only be working for me, as it's way too specific and Evan-brained. Anyway matching 'threads' of color, like hints of green (green shoes, stripes on hat, writing on shirt), etc. makes a outfit really shine.

I chatted up a HB9 indian chick but for some reason didn't go for her number, although I heavily heavily suspected she had a boyfriend and wasn't as sexually attracted to me as she could have been.

or

Went out, opened one asian girl, she smiled in a no thanks, I hdon't have any spare change kind of way, and walked away.

Depressing day out.

Asian women are rough. I rarely get good reactions. Limiting belief: I can't bone them unless I'm in the social circle.

I'm totally bummed out. I feel like a freak. But if I let up now, I'll end up lonely and alone and bitter and crapy. I'm not going to dabble, I'm going to immerse and excel.

ILLEGAL Sexy Times

I was looking at this site, which is frightening. It is just a website, and could easily be inaccurate, and I should do more research before I post all my findings. I'm posting this shit ANYWAYZ!!!
http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/sex.html.
It is a site with all the sex laws of the commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Check it:
-It is illegal to have sex w/ 18 year olds, although it's only been prosecuted once in 1987.
-Fornication is illegal and punishable by 3 months or 30$.
-Adultery (whether or not you are the married or nonmarried person) is illegal, and punishable by state prison of 3 years, jail for 2, or up to 500$.

These are probably wrong, but I've fornicated in Massachusetts before. Oh shit. I probably owe the government money.

Deja Vu

Last year, I was going out by myself and sometimes with wings to Fanueil a lot, and in a moment of deja vu (walking through the cold in my nice shoes), I had an image of myself a year ago doing something similar. In fact, as my brain progressed, I realized that a lot was similar to last year. If you ignore all the mental beliefs I've incorporated since a year ago, both positive and negative, not a lot has changed. I'm jobless again, my social skills are slightly better, but not massively so. I actually have less friends. :(

What gets me angry- after all this time spent in the field and reading and learning and sweating and bleeding, my PU skills have increased maybe 10%, tops. And that's 10% better than a pretty raw number, it's not a nuance on a finely honed game. It's like 10% better than a big block of marble. It looks like a human figure. Or a manatee. Not angry. I'm not angry about it, nor am I overwhelmingly frustrated. I've experienced so much frustration in my life that I tend to just ignore anything that makes me frustrated, which isn't good.

I chalk up my lack of progress to a lack of consistency. I'll have my little streaks of 24 hour daygame into nightgame and crash on a couch nights, but then I would have a week of self-indulgent video games and low self-esteem. Also low sex drive. Probably from poor eating habits and constant masturbation.

Bleak.

Notes from Sat Night

-DO NOT half-ass escalation
-open more often
-smile on open
-don't address whole group if you don't have to
-kino earlier
-aggressive on dancefloor
-merge forward to 8+ sets (they were all ice cold to me, same with asian cliques)
-open first set you see, continue for 20 min. to get into state
-do not wait for others to take lead (especially on entrance of location)
-ignore everything that won't help me

Updat

Been going out, not opening sets mostly.
Bunch of AA.
Nothing else going on.

SOLO notez

I went out solo tonight. Notes:
-Going out solo is more fun than going with community guys
-make vibing more natural
-calibrate (literally just a time/experience issue)
-choose a target, even if both are enjoying it
-don't move around so much
-kino slowly and consistently and ESCALATE CONSTANTLY
-SLOW DOWN
-don't qualify yourself unless it's conscious to calibrate value
-don't talk about work
-learn how to dance with a female on dancefloor
-chill out the dancing monkey man
-go for makeout ASAP
-don't half-ass escalation
-stay out long as possible and open more sets

going out alone was liberating, nerve-wracking and fun. I pretended to be from California visiting Boston because I wanted the clean break from the area, etc. I guess it was a mental thing to help me socialize. Also, people were dicks to me all day long, so I'm kind of disillusioned about the nature of Boston.

Brad P Social Freedom

Been on a massive crapfest lately. New lows of self-esteem galore!
I'm doing this thing where I'm consistently improving some points of my life (meditation, withholding the hand to a moderate level, running, and sarging). Free times means more potential sarging time.

I did part of the Brad P. social freedom exercise (as much as I could do before sheer fright overtook me). I got a score that is below average, meaning I'm more socially anxious than the average person. Of course, I did COMPLETELY freak myself out beforehand.

No solicitors approached me, and I really didn't feel comfortable approaching them. Well, guess what?! Tomorrow, I WILL approach them, and start talking.

Just starting a random conversation is overwhelming for me. For hot girls, it's a battle between overwhelming social anxiety and how hot/attainable they are. If it's a hot hot girl who I might have a *shot* with, I will usually try my best to avoid the social anxiety. I think the SA is fucking with my openers when I do that, though, so I'm going to do these social freedom exercises until I get that shit handled. That means every day unless it's not possible.

I feel very lonely lately. Pretty much every aspect of my life is in the dumps right now. I have almost no friends, I have basically no established romantic prospects, I have no job, nor any prospects for a job forthcoming, and all kinds of negative shit I could list but won't.

Let's move onto the exercises I did today.
1. EC- Hard to find 3 people who were looking at me, and I did feel anxiety when looking at guys, making them think I was gay or something.
2. Ask for the time- EASY
3. Ask for directions- EASY
4. Ask for directions with 30 seconds of small talk- initially difficult to find a "good" candidate, but easy because the girl ended up being Japanese, so I chatted to her briefly about tourism in Boston and Tokyo. Also she had sweet Angelina Jolie Hackers hair.
5. Small talk with store clerk- Pretty poor. I asked the guy for directions to the water, and BRIEFLY BRIEFLY mentioned how I had fre time and a book, and I wanted to zone out, and then confirmed the directions. Chode.
6. Rapport seeker- No one approached me, and I didn't want to approach this big fat guy tending the doors at the 7-11 nor the hip hop CD selling guy who was chatting with his buddy. Chode.
7. Talk to clerk after getting rung up- Didn't totally accomplish this. I started talking to the clerk about the spring clothes going on clearance, but she led me awayt from the counter. I briefly chatted about the clothes, very "on-topic". Semi-chode.
8. Tell a joke to someone I know- who do I know that I...? Anyway, I sent the first line of a joke to a friend but he never texted back.
9. Dance a little- Easy.
10. Walk down the street singing- Fairly easy.
11. Walk up to a stranger, start convo, don't stop until he laughs- Didn't do it. CHODE.
12-18. Didn't do them. FULL CHODE. They were way too scary for me. I really suck at pushing myself, or I'm a total agoraphobic. Anyway...

That's the rundown today. I'm going to keep pushing myself for a while, hopefully. I tend to not push myself.

I believe a wing will GREATLY assist me in completing these tasks and giving me a boost.

JOBLESS

Got fired from my job today. Oh well.

Maybe I'll do something cool this time around.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

I came out to my mom about pickup. Kind of. She didn't seem to curious about it, but I mentioned that I probably spend 10-15 a week 'meeting women.' Beyond that, I didn't go into the community or sarging or techniques or whatever. But, at least that's off my chest.

BradP wrote a sweet post on mASF about how learning should be more regimented, and not a massive influx of information which is followed by paralysis by analysis- in other words, the recall of the PUA isn't great enough to process all the information he has in the field. I guess I really am constantly reading new stuff about pickup, and it's not helpful because a lot of it isn't practically useful for me RIGHT NOW. I definitely came into the scene soaking up every last bit of knowledge without applying it.

Anyway, it's getting colder, and you know what that means. It means that I won't want to go out as much. So, either I will spend less time in field, or I will become more hard-assed about going out. I f-in hate the winter, and almost surely have SAD. If only I lived in San Diego or Maui, where those kind of considerations aren't really necessary. Clouds, grey skies, and precipitation always dampen my mood. A clear June sky with temperatures in the 70's is gauranteed to put a smile on my face. I love it.

You know what else I love? I love slim half-asian girls. I'm talking SLIM and I'm talking half-Japanese. That is SWEEET and I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. Hahaha weird.

I'm withholding the hand for 5 days, starting a 5-day cycle program to keep my aggressiveness, intent, and overall HulkSmashness at peak. My life seems to be better when I moderate that shit. The first cycle ends on Sunday night.

TO BE REVISED: The J-O-B

CURRENT JOB:
I'm curently working as an audio transcriber. It pays like 11 or 12 an hour, and I do it 4 hours a day if I'm working that day. If I work a full week (rare), I make just over 200. I can't work a full week, because I lose my mind doing this job. It's painful, and evil.

PROBLEM:
The main problem is that I simply don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life for a career. I've been temporarily interested in everything from concert pianist to hip hop producer, salesman, small business entrepreneur, and I'm sure the list WOULD continue were I not DECIDING right now to make a choice in my life and go for it.

It's becoming apparent to me that it's CRUCIAL I get a job/career that I LOVE, because I'm growing increasingly more frustrated with my work, my quality and quantity of transcription is decreasing daily, and I spend more time grinding and getting mired in my own situation. Also, I believe that my life overall is not good enough for me to be picking up women.

I know that you don't have to love your life, your job, or whatever to pick up women. One day I will subconsciously realize that (probably once I have righted this wrong). In the meantime, my frustration with the direction of my life is useful and important. I can use this frustration to build something for myself.

FAILURES:
I have tried countless times to get a fresh start, 'commit' to doing things, big and small, to amend the situation. My commitments almost always fail, and my starts are unerringly stale every time. I feel like a sucker. I never stop trying, yet I constantly give up when it means taking action. I would be 100X happier if I TRIED every time and simply failed, because that would mean I'm not a quitter, which is how I feel when I don't approach, don't do my work, don't fulfill some promise to myself or others, etc.

IDEAS:
I hold myself accountable only to my blogs and my thoughts. I can involve other people, even in the most simple of obligations until I am on my way. That would be best. I should include people in my life decisions, esp. my dad, with whom I'm living. That could provide some real leverage, because I really don't like being lectured or scolded by him on my obligations.

I have another post to make on my other blog. I'll come back and revise this later

OR: Utterly typical

i sarged till my feet hurt. I walked for maybe 3 hours, opened maybe 3 or 4 girls. Nothing too impressive. The girls always seem to get nervous and want to get away from me. I think I'm smiling, so that should be defusing most of the creepy. I'm not really sure where I'm going wrong, but every set is filled with lots of nervousness (mostly from them). I freaked out pre-approach, wandered for 5-10 minutes talking myself up, finally approached crashed and burned on a goddamned 5 in the Coop. What the fuck!

Anyway, my sets are not good. I'm not a normal person or something. Maybe 70% of the responses I'm getting SHOULD be pinging to me that I am a weirdo and socially unacceptable. Thank god I don't care and don't live in a tribe. I am at the point of conversational normalcy, IMO, although there's some subcommunication that isnt coming out right. I will look into it.

The possible reasons are:
-personal space: I don't really violate this much lately
-smiling: I don't consciously think if I'm smiling or not, I might not be
-Awkward pauses: I have them because my mind is constantly blanking

I'm not great at picking apart my interactions, because I'm fully immersed in the nervousness and emotions of trying to be a cool person. It takes all my faculties to keep up conversationally and to be witty.

Also, I don't give myself permission to be as interesting as I could be, because I don't feel that I have a life worth talking about, as untrue as that may be. Haha damnit. Everybody else I know has sticking points emanating from their outer game (which, ironically, probably has some minimal basis in their inner game). Point being, I'm sabotaging myself because in my mind, beautiful and interesting women have no place in the life that I am living. Perhaps a lot of this is created by societal bullshit about financial success, etc. But as it stands now, I don't have a life I'm passionate about, and I don't want to share the life I'm living with others. Whew.

When I started this blog, it was going to be about pickup. I read other guys' blogs and they would often extend their posts to other things like career, friendships, etc. I wanted to compartmentalize it. That's a mistake.

Here's something interesting. My mom asked me today what I would do if I had any amount of money. It's a good question, but my mind blanked. I wanted to travel, but had no specific destination in mind. I eventually answered that I would go to the Siberian Steppes and meditate, because it sounds like a really cool time.

It's a good answer, but what was scary was the blankness in my mind when she asked about future plans. Even thinking about future plans fills my mind with self-doubt, limiting beliefs, and a cloud of negativity. I always switch topics when people ask me what I want to do for a job, or where I want to be in a few years. That stuff is scary.

I'm about to put up a post detailing my careerhood.

Pudo- Path of the Pick Up

TO BECOME THE WISE MAN, FIRST YOU MUST BE THE FOOL

Lol if anyone has daygamed with me, then they know how much I love saying this. I'm going to say it to my targets more.

I went out today and opened 4 sets. Two didn't speak enoguh English and tried really hard to blow me off. One girl freaked out and kept walking. I can't remember the fourth set, but it was probably a boring asexual conversation and she bounced after chatting a few seconds.

I need to bring more personality to bear in these interactions. That means JOKES and TEASES. I don't seem to do this enough.

KUNG FU TRAINING

What makes kung fu movies so fun to watch?
It's the training montages.

It's fun to watch a young man have his understanding and capabilities challenged and increased by a wiser and older mentor. In many ways, that is how the great skillsets of the world are passed on: pickup, smithying, martial arts, sewmanship, sailing, etc. It's a passing on of knowledge. It's great to see someone pushing themselves and hitting the fundamentals OVER and OVER again in ways to increase their abilities.

Unfortunately, I never experienced anything specifically like that beyond classes at school in subjects that ultimately didn't interest me.

In the same way that martial artists do pushups with stones on their backs, I should do pickup with some element of my game missing: voice, expression, BL, kino, eye contact, etc.

Anyway, in case I haven't mentioned it before, this is brain fart week until Wednesday. No likes, uh, um, you know, right, basically, etc. I'm scrapping push-pull month, because I can't multi-focus like that. My brain is too damn simple.

Computer

My laptop's screen isn't working. I'm writing this from work. Updates will be analog (paper and pen) until I get my computer working again, or theoretically buy a new computer. If I do buy a new computer, it will be a desktop. Why not? It's easier to play games and waste time with, and I only use the portability of my laptop to watch the Blueprint at my mom's house in Westford. I could do that on one of her bf's spares. It's just basic AVI format, anyway. Anyway, I'm at a technological deficit- my iPod is broken/reset, laptop isn't workign, and I'm trying to avoid using ther XBOX. Just books, CDs, journals and my imagination, I guess.

OR: Utterly FABULOUSLY FRUSTRATING

Another shitty day. I did everything right. I woke up with 9 hours of sleep, I exercised, I meditated, I ate correctly, went in and FUCKING STUNK UP THE TOWN. A crappy day without a single good reaction. I'm some kind of fucking loser. Seriously, my brain is flooding my consciousness with images of me being a weird loser with no friends.

Totally shitty. I'm pissed off. I didn't approach 3 girls that I should have and I didn't approach maybe a dozen girls that I COULD have. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I feel like I'm back at square one when I had massive approach anxiety, but more importantly, no sexual options. I feel like I have no choice, no options now, because I'm some kind of weirdo. What is my deal?

Somebody wing me, please! Tell me if I'm doing something bizarrely WRONG in my sets! I feel like something egregiously wrong is happening, like my dick is hanging out of my pants, or I'm Godzilla, or I'm holding a knife. Why these bad reactions? Why this shitty time? And why are the shitty reactions making me FEEL shitty?

AAAHAGHAHGAHHGHSGHGHA Scream therapy session in progress!

craptastic day.... haven't 'sarged' in like 5 days, and today barely counts ARGH worst title ever

a crappy day. very few sets, and almost as few good reactions. one set that went well, despite being asexual, clinical, and frankly not that great. I spoke fairly slowly though, so that's good. I got an asian girl who sped up and fixed her vision on a point in the distance to ignore me. i have 4 regrets today as far as girls I should and could have talked to, yet did not talk to.

i felt really crappy. I'm doing something massively wrong when I open sets. I don't know what it is. It's probably a fuck up of all subcomms, and seeking rapport, and being non-interesting. Ooops.

Updating again.

I've been updating like crazy today. Inspired by Awesome's post, and further inspired by Brahmin, I'm officially turning off the porn. Withholding the hand entirely was kind of messed up, although a 5-day cycle seemed to work fairly well in terms of increasing my overall aggression and intent.

But no more porn. Watching slim black chicks with wavy-lined fake DD's is fucking with my imagination. It's too sterile, too unreal, too silly. I'm going to think about women I meet and see and wanted to meet but couldn't because of some obstacle I couldn't overcome and not because of impression obsession (ijjjji's take on "approach anxiety"). Plenty of material there, as long as I regularly stay in the field and follow up.

First step is getting a legit day 2 with black girl near where she lives, figuring out her logistics, and hopefully banging her at her place. That happens this week, or else she gets LJBF'd by p1an0hands, the MPUAG/HHM/WKE Master Pick Up Artist Guru/Hog Hunting Master/Whiz Kid Extraordinaire. I'm tired of texting her like once a week for the last 3 weeks. I need more numbers, wooden or otherwise. The more DOWN my subcomms get, the more solid the interactions will become, and the more real the number closes will be. The more real the numbers are, the easier it will be to show up at the door and commence hog hunting.

Be timely

I was reminded about something very important last night as I was hanging out with Brahmin and his friends in a suburb outside of Boston. We were chilling out and he had this friend, who I will call Craig.

Craig would say things during the course of the conversation that were clearly originating from an authentic source, were sometimes spot-on and funny, but more important, something spontaneous, real, and timely.

There was another friend who I will call James, who was the opposite. He was clearly in his head, my guess being as a reaction to so much funny and timely authentic shit being tossed around (which can be intimidating, coming from personal experience). So, he was coming up with stuff that was probably as funny or more so, but it was delivered too late.

We almost never laughed at or even noticed James's stuff, but always laughed at Craig's stuff.

What's the point? Well, the obvious one is "don't get into your head", because it's like keeping the e-brake engaged while you're racing.

However, the point I want to make is this: a timely and relevant thing (joke, topic, conversation thread) is always superior to a untimely and relevant thing. What does this mean? For guys who are waiting for someone to stop talking so they can say funny shit to get that all-wonderful reaction, STOP. Not only is it inauthentic (as in not originating from your core, and not designed to amuse yourself, but to amuse others), but it just doesn't WORK in the sense of getting the desired reactions.

I would even say this: if, while talking to someone, and halfway through them talking, you come up with a funny joke or totally relevant anecdote, fact, etc., DROP IT, and come up with something else that's relevant when he/she finishes talking. It helps you strengthen your ability to come up with authentic things, stay out of your head, appreciate AND LISTEN TO what the other person has to say, and even to get a better reaction, if that's all you care about.

Update

I'm extending Slow Week (Slow rate of speech week) by another week. The beginning of Brain Fart week is August 5th.

Also, August is officially PUSH/PULL month. I'm going to be focusing very heavily on push pull. Also, I hope to be going out a lot more solidly. That means a schedule and days that i must go out.

I might start doing the going out until 12:30 and taking the train home thing. It's a massive investment of time, but it might be worth it, despite the hottest sets not being around until about midnight.

Sub-Communication

Subcomms that I could REALLY improve, in order of potential for improvement:

-Speed of talking
-Verbal Farts (uh, you know, right, um, like)
-Tonality
-Facial expression
-Eye contact
-Fashion/fit
-Voice Projection
-Body Language

This week is Speed of Talking week. I must speak more slowly with EVERYONE 24/7 until Wednesday the 30th. Starting next Wednesday, it's Verbal Fart Week, and so on.

The Sexual Hang-Up Post

It's all in capitals because this shit is important to me. I read a snippet from Nancy Friday's "My secret Garden" and I had the reaction of feeling incredibly insecure. Truth is, I'm always insecure about my sexuality around women. It's something I want to change, because that will spell success for me once I can get my head around my hang-ups and really become comfortable with sexuality and fucking and all the straight-up hardcore details that make me uncomfortable right now.

OK. Let's get started.

My first sexual experience was actually with a male friend of mine when I was 5 or 6. I guess this is pretty normal? I've read it elsewhere that it's common to have that kind of experience. Anyway, I looked back at that for a long time and it confused me about my sexual orientation during my teens. I've since come out of that decidedly heterosexual lol. Point being, I really came into sexuality confused and this lasted for a long time, even affecting me to this day.

Growing up, I was ashamed of my sexuality. I remember some of my earliest sexual experiences being incredibly embarassing. I wrote a poem when I was 11 about this girl's vagina (no I hadn't been there lol) and my parents found it, and CONFRONTED me about it. I vaguely recall them telling me how it was wrong or something. I had to hide everything sexual from my parents from that point onwards, and felt that sexuality was something shameful that I shouldn't have.

The first time a girl showed any interest in me (at age 16), I flipped my shit and "supplicated" her hardcore. Anyway, she was in Maine, and I in Massachusetts, so I went up to see her and it was super super awkward. On the plus side, her mom made us cookies, so that was cool. Otherwise, I was WAY too ashamed of my sexuality and who I was to ever try and escalate. I assumed she was just mistaken or confused by being attracted to me. I went back and didn't talk to her again for years.

My first heterosexual sexual experience was also incredibly strange. I was 17 and at French camp. I ended up dancing with this chick from Mexico during a dance on the first or second night, which BLEW MY MIND. She was 14. We went outside and talked. I was scared shitless and did not escalate. We hung out twice more, and on the third time, easily the creepiest thing ever happened. I finally decided it was time to escalate. We were sitting in this empty area next to the basketball court indoors, and we were talking. We both stopped talking, and I put my hand on her. Literally, it was like a scientific experiment. She could have been a Sequoia tree or a stuffed bear. I started rubbing my hands over her. All over her. Like, think of the most uncalibrated and weak-ass cavemanning ever. I was just rubbing my hand, open-palm all over her, except for titties, and mostly not covering her face. We did that for about 20 minutes. No talking, just awkward KINO. In retrospect, I am fully surprised that she didn't kick me in the balls and run away. She must have REALLY liked me to put up with it. Anyway, later that night, I got to kiss her cheek. It was awesome. For whatever reason, I stopped liking her and kind of blew her off for the rest of French camp.

My first time penetrating a female, it gets perhaps even more embarassing. I was 20 in college. My friend M, who later became a FB of mine a few years after, came up to visit me at school. She stayed in my room. I somewhat kinoed her and ended up literally BEGGING her to have sex with me. She literally gave me a PITY FUCK. If that wasn't bad enough, I was awful at it (not surprising nor unusual), but it was so bad that she just stopped me after 5 minutes and said something like, "Let's just go to sleep." It wasn't LMR or ASD. She was just completely turned off by the crappy sex. So that struck a blow to my sexual confidence.

A lot of my insecurity stems from feeling like I can't perform. I have yet to ever cum inside a female. I've had several more sexual experiences since then, but I've always had to finish manually. It makes me feel weird. I've never had regular sex with a girl before. It's usually ONS situations. The most I've ever boned a single girl is maybe 6-8 times. My total sexual experience is very small, despite being with perhaps what I would consider a normal NUMBER of females for a "normal"/AFC dude. I really want to experience the sex that everyone ELSE talks about, where they experience emotions and physical satisfaction and intimacy. Every time I fuck, it feels like I'm attempting a difficult trapeze maneuver or writing a philosophical treatise. Also, my wang is super sensitive and it hurts if a girl handles it marginally roughly. One time in Vegas, this girl was beejing me and doing that thing with her hands where she kinds of does an indian rug burn maneuver with both hands, and it was SEVERELY PAINFUL. So I feel like I can't have normal casual sexual relations without experiencing some hardcore pain.

Reading "My secret garden" caused me a lot of anxiety, because I feel like I can't even satisfy myself, so how could I satisfy all these bizarre fetishes or even basic sexual minimum req's for women? They fantasize about cheating and all that shit, and I know I can't hold a candle to most other guys my age. I'm totally incompetent with sex, despite reading DEVI, etc. I lack practical experience. I can't satisfy nor keep up with the kind of women I want in my life.

So. Now that THAT is out there, let's move on to the important shit: what to do about it.

A lot of this will probably self-correct if I:
-withhold the hand
-have/attempt more sex, and gain basic competence
-PUSH MY GAME ALWAYS, and really put myself in a position to confront this issue head-on
-perhaps get a short-term girlfriend and spend all my time banging her brains out until I can do it right. That still would require more game than I'm currently spitting. My current game is foul.

BRIEF ASIDE: I hate it when guys in the community say things like, "Getting sex is easy. It's XYZ(intimacy, self-respect, etc.) that's hard." Getting sex is not easy for me. I don't even have a rough idea of how to get from meet to sex with the kind of game I'm generally running these days. You guys got better at this way faster than me, and although I'm not self-conscious about my slower learning curve, it's obnoxious hearing this stuff. QUIT TELLING ME GETTING LAID IS EASY!

big day

I did the meditation with Smallville thing today. It was unbelievable. I meditated all the way home. I was staring at a dot on the window directly behind this guy, so he thought I was staring at him and got clearly weirded out. Everytime I would try to put my focus back on my nose, it would focus on him being weirded out, and me- on some level- feeling bad about weirding him out. I probably should have moved my eyesight somewhere more comfortable for him, it didn't matter that much that I focus on one spot in particular.

Anyway, I'm officially starting today with 45 minutes upon waking and before sleeping. I'll up it to an hour in two weeks.

A day of crap

I got blown out practically immediately 6-8 times today. I was in my head in a big way, and something was just totally off, because it felt like women were running away from me like I was Godzilla. Insanely bad results today, and it got me down. I've been trying to keep my spirits high and not let specifics emotionally affect me, but it was to no avail today.

The comforting thought is that days like today will polish my shit into hardened batsteel, and I will fight the crime of not getting laid and Batman kicks ass.

Seriously, pushing myself (which I definitely did) when I wasn't 'feeling it' (which I definitely wasn't) makes me f-ing proud. Even if I get frustrated and listening to Nine Inch Nails thrash music on the way home.

All I need to do is reflect more on what I'm LEARNING and spend time CHANGING SHIT UP based on the learnings. I think 15 minutes a day should suffice.

just a quick thought

I realized why I hate doing PU games, like blow yourself out, and talk to x girl with somebody else's opener. I got into the game for sexual freedom, and I feel like I lose agency when I have bizarre restrictions placed on my interactions. I only like sarging when I'm sailing free, able to open anything I like.

30 Minute Meditation on my Game and where I'm going

30:00
UPDATE
I have been getting better lately up until very recently, when I've been coming up against some residual AA and a lot of reluctance. I feel like I'm not as excited about pickup. I know I want to get better at it, no matter what, because it will always be a gaping wound until I can reasonably get the girls I want (maybe a 10% average). However, I also know that PU is just a small part of a life, and there are other important things I need to get handled before I can really give myself permission to focus hardcore on PU. Nonetheless PU (and sailing) is one of the few things that I regularly go out and work at.

SP
1. The last few sarges I've run out of things to say. Relax in-set, allow myself to ramble and pop off the top of my head.
2. Also they were decidedly sterile and not that crazy, not that fun, not that emotionally engaging. Inject humor, sexuality, and personality into sarges.
3. There's still some AA once in a while. I tried to sarge this AZN chick but first let myself experience the emotions of being stuck in my head, just so I could burst through it, but it didn't work out. Just avoiding getting stuck there is prob the solution. Just approach.
4. I don't rock to enough girls when I go out. I'll talk to maybe 1/2 or 1/3 of the girls I see that I'm interested in, leading to anywhere from 1-3 regrets per outing. I want to chat up every girl I'm interested in that I can get to.
5. I don't talk to white girls, even ones that I find attractive. Give myself permission to talk to white guhls.

VISION OF MY GAME:
In many ways, I'm using Saffron as a model, in the sense that he's a guy that lets nothing hold him back when he sees a girl he wants to talk to. He's got the skills, and he uses them ALL the time. I see myself 10 years down the road, at age 32 with a stable Indian girlfriend of incredibly beauty and talent, working with a business(es) that really stimulates me, physically fit, with healthy relationships, and a wonderful sex life.
Until then, I see a road of continually sarging and calibrating nearly every day for years ahead of me. The goal of 1 female per day can easily be accomodated. That, however, is maintenance. It will maintain the skillset, rather than improve it. Going out, either day or night, OR BOTH, is the only way to really make the change and make it stick.

THINGS I CAN DO RIGHT NOW IN THE 2ND QUADRANT TO IMPROVE MY GAME
-get DHV stories from throughout my life
-get a cool haircut
-eliminate um's, ah's, stutters, right, you know?'s, etc. from speech
-improve voice projection for night game
-read through "Power of Now" again
-PUSH. That means I've increased my minimum daily req to 2 females, and I'm going to push to my boundaries or the girl's boundaries, whichever come first.
-give myself permission to chat up white girls. It's officially open season. Today I will chat up every white girl that is attractive.

GOALS
My goals haven't changed that much since I started. I eventually want a hot wife that I love 100% and am attracted to 100%. Until then, I'm fine with casual relationships, and really having lots of sex and getting down my sexual SP's, which I definitely have.

DOING SHIT

I didn't go out today :(. However, I did post on fastseduction about life beyond pickup with hilarious results. Ingrained guys were coming out of the woodwork to shoot that down, and how it's irrelevant, and I'm a big jerk. Pretty funny. However, no one got anything useful out of it, and I probably just got a bunch of angry people even angrier. That's definitely not a good thing.

Anyway, it was useful in that it made me wonder if I was really living by my own values. This is because they were all attacking me, and I would have to defend myself, therefore thinking of whether I was logically congruent, and presenting the same theory every time I reiterated it.

Often, I'll shirk something because it's inconvenient. That's a problem. My mission statement really sets out what I'm going for, and I think it's time to really start acting to get my life together. The guys at FS want proof that having a good life in turn accelerates your progress with women? Time for me to take control of my life and show them! Ultimately, it's not about demonstrating to a couple of blowhards on the internet that I can control my life. It's about show myself that I have that kind of control.

FR: Nonsense

So, I had a lengthy Saturday of sarging after the meeting. The meeting itself I didn't find incredibly helpful, but it was great to have a few useful points reinforced. I don't really want to go over the specifics of the sets I did during the day and night, but I will go over what I learned:

-Call out weirdness when it occurs in-set, unless it's something that would be REALLY awkward to call out
-Don't sexually engage nontargets ever
-Learn some decent dancefloor game. I have my little p1an0hands dance, but it's weak when it comes to seducing the imagination of a sensual and curvaceous woman. Lol cheez
-I can open pretty much any girl in the day, and it will hook.
-More teasing is better, plus more of a you & me framing is useful- this is where future projections, using "we", disqualification, SOIs, and slight sexual teasing/jokes (it's ok in the daytime, i find, but nothing too sexual unless you're willing to go down that path all the way) come into play.
-Slight note: shaking my head side-to-side when I say "I had to meet you" really communicates the genuineness of the opener, IME
-Don't let a bitch con you into buying a drink. If she puts you in a position where you're pressured to buy a drink, CALL IT OUT and SOD on it. I fucked up last night, and bought myself and a bitch a drink. Her friends dragged her away later because of a lack of good befriending (I was kind of a playerasshole to them, which was working well until I really started isolating her).
-Have fun ALWAYS
-If the girl doesn't speak great English, use plenty of teasing and PLOW when you're not sure if she'll understand. She'll probably grab a few contextual words and figure it out. If she doesn't drop it and start a new thread. This Korean girl tooled on me all night by breaking rapport with me CONSTANTLY in cutesy little azn ways, like ignoring questions and making silly faces. The only time I got a reaction was when I broke rapport with them. Examples: "Your name is Mickey Mouse? Isn't that kind of weird?", high five fakeout, physical pushing away, etc. If I had engaged them correctly, and you visualized it just me without the girls, it would look like I was playing with a baby or toddler. Hilarious.
-HBhoodrat is pretty reserved, and she likes to play it real cool, which I don't totally like, but I do respect, I guess
-Too many guys trying to wing ruins sets. Too many guys ASKING to wing also ruins sets. Three guys rolled up while my wing was in the bathroom asking to wing, and I had to keep looking over to tell them about it. The girls eventually just back turned and started talking to each other.
-If you CONGRUENTLY say ANYTHING in a playful or assertive manner, it will fly.
-Drinking on the job is for suckers. Also, drunk girls are a turn off. This drunk girl was trying to make out with me, and her wobbling lamprey face coming at me almost made me laugh.
-If a girl is making a serious play (sexually), don't reject it, even playfully. That shit hurts, and they can't take it like I can.

OR: FOB

So another fob. I'm waiting at MGH for the train, and this azn chick with those wide leg sail pants walks up and seems to be AIing me. She sits down next to me, but I see the train coming, and want to wait until I know she's going in the same direction as me. We both skip it, so I BRIEFLY BRIEFLY chode out and then approach her. SHE DOESN"T EVEN UNDERSTAND MY F-ING OPENER. I repeat it incredibly slowly, then say she has an LA vibe. I now say all AZNs have an L.A. vibe, because AZN's are way cooler sluttier and more common out there, so yeah. She's from Saigon, I joke about Hanoi girls being crazy. She kind likes it, but she speaks horrible english. I kind of FTC and sit down next to her. She has a nose stud, which adds a point to any girl. I love nose studs. I tell her about my friend Trang from Saigon, and how Saigon is supposed to be decent. She says, "Your girlfriend?" So I PU nerve flex and spit out "one of my girlfriends" without thinking. She titters. I ask what shes doing in boston. She's studying english. I say that she's one of those girls that comes to america to get an american husband. She titters. We're talking a little more, and then that FUCKING cockeyed "GOOOT ANNNNNY CHAAANNGEEEE?" guy that terrorizes Park St. Station area sits down next to me and STARTS YELLING AND ASKING IF PEOPLE HAVE CHANGE OVER AND OVER. It of course kills the conversation, and frankly, makes both of us super uncomfortable. He eventually gets up, the train comes, and we sit at different places, game over.

Fucking FOB's. Learn English, because it's time to fuck.

Also, fucking spare change guy. You creep the shit out of me and everyone else.

casual OR

I'm feeling good again. Sailing is cutting into a lot of my post-work time, but I'm committed to opening at least one girl a day.

I opened a girl from behind on the skywalk. 5'2 Malaysian girl, HB8. I've noticed I only seem to open azns these days. I haven't opened a white girl during the day in ages. Anyways, she jumped and was surprised/weirded out. I said that I thought she was super cute and I wanted to meet her. She had this look like she was disappointed. I think it's the look of a girl about to reject me. I've got this a few times lately. I'm going to omit the SOI that early on, and just say "i know it's wicked random, but i just had to meet you." anyway, I plowed a little bit, with my "new york vibe" thing, which always seems to work, even though it's fully retarded, and just something I say at this point. She says she's from Malaysia, and something about the weather. I talk about Japan, but it's a stretch, and doesn't really seem to work well on her. I ask her why she's in Boston, she's a student. I cold read BU, but she's from Harvard. I pretend I haven't heard of it which works out well. I joked about her flunking out and having to take summer courses, which of course wasn't the case. She told me about her politics major, which she took because it's interesting. I compare it to my two majors, music and japanese. She plays piano, too. She's an 8 in the Royal University rankings or whatever, which is the final rank, which means she's pretty good. I give her a high five, but I should have SOI'd her on THIS, because it was pretty cool. She has tiny hands, so I joke about her midget hands, asking her how she hits the octaves. She talks about body position, and how it has a certain flavor to it when she plays. I joke that that was a great spin job, and that I almost bought it. This might have been too dick a move. Anyway, I think a little after this, if I remember correctly, she says she needs to get going, so I wish her good luck on running Malaysia.

Good:
-Busting
-Very loud and effective high five

Bad:
-Opener was a little awkward
-poor SOI'ing
-Conversational thread was only somewhat relaxed and normal
-Not enough attraction built
-no FTC, which I should use more often.
-No seed for a bounce or number
-I didn't visualize dropping a load on her face. It may have helped.

BLAH

I called up hoodrat after work yesterday to hang out a little bit, and it seems like she flaked out and didn't want to come out. It's possible she has LBJF'd me and wants friends to hang out with in Boston. That wasn't my hope. I got really bummed and played a shitload of GTA IV, which I can visibly see sucking out all of my soul. I can see the dent it makes on my social skills progress, and I hate it.

I'm on the lower end of my mood cycle, although I'm doing my damn best to distinguish specifics from emotions. It's the general trends that should be important to me.

I am trying to meditate a lot more, so I can't wait for Smallville's little presentation on it.

I'm a little bit turned off of chatting up girls lately, but then I see a hot girl that's physically appealing, and all my moods and objections go out the window. I'm officially a slave to that ass. Might as well chat them up, and get socializing.

I have to work on push-pull more in my interactions. Also, more C&F stuff. My interactions aren't as playful as they could be. Sometimes, I'm not hooking because there is no state break for the woman. This is more typical of the super hot girls that I chat up. A cold approach coupled wtih a humorous nonDLV state break is what I need to REALLY get my foot into the door for the hottest bitches walking the street. I also need stories that more efficiently convey DHV's and get to the point faster and harder than I'm getting to them now. Some of my subcomm's are off, like facial expression, and even BL sometimes. And hey, what do you know, even kino. I'm not sure how and when to escalate the kino, especially during daylight, when it's supposed to be hands off. So my sticking point is essentially EVERYTHING. At least I know where I stand.

My strong points are approaching and making good conversation. Making small talk, or talking about the past, or about whatever isn't a problem for me.

Out and about

Opened a girl while waiting for my pass. SHe must have been 15 whoops. I asked what she does, and she said nothing, DLVing a lot and shit. I should have paced her understanding of the question and given an example. Anyway, she ejected.

I regret not opening this superhot sitting latina HB9. I eventually circled back to talk to her, but she was moving and on the cell phone when I saw her again.

I chatted up an HB8 (extra point for rack), but she wasn't interested from the get go. My sub-comm's must have been f'ed up. I should have gotten her to stop on open. Also, her mild disinterest really was messing up my creativity. I need a better hook post-open. I usually ask for the name, and then do a brief cold read about where she's from. It's almost always "you have a new york vibe".

More later maybe? I'm just writing this from the SOny store.

OK. So on my way to the boathouse, I'm eating this delicious "overstuffed sandwich made to order" from an upscale deli along Charles St. Ugly white rich people galore. I'm mouth-full and I spot this cute girl HB7 in a slinky black dress eating at a cafe along the street. I roll up mid-chew and spit my game. It works pretty well, and she's fairly into it. She's a fashion intern in the South End living along the Charles somehow. She's from Indiana and I lightly bust on that shit. I don't do much attraction nor comfort. I grab the phone number on the way out, but it's way less romantic than social. I'll have to phone in the game from therein. Flake expected, but it was cool to totally casually grab digits on my way to somewhere just because I felt like it.

I officially average around one phone number per outing. It's about a 30-50% meet-to-#close ratio for me.

Phone

So, I had to cancel my sailing lessons early today because of rain. I called up HBhoodrat and cancelled because it was raining. 10 minutes later, it stops. UGH. I maybe should have called her up again, but I was already halfway home at the time.

She told me she was going to be napping, and instead of taking that as an invite over to her place, I took it as something to bust on, which I probably shouldn't have done. Lesson learned:

-Be persistent and insistent with the Day 2's
-Check weather reports

Notes

Recently I hit a point where a lot of stuff in the community is starting to make sense to me. What that means is that concepts like improvement and calibration are making more practical sense to me, beyond a theoretical meaning.

I attribute this to a more regular sarging regimen, and also opening far more sets than previously in my life. Anyone having problems with pick up, you're not sarging often enough or regularly enough. Approaching a few girls a day regularly is the only way to really get where you need to go.

In the last few weeks, my social skills have shot up in a big way. It's really exciting to feel, for the first time in ages, like I have a future in pick up and that I won't end up alone, lonely and shitty.

I have a day 2 set up with this ridiculous black girl tomorrow, and it's convenient to my schedule. Seeing titties opens up a good hour in my otherwise packed schedule.

I also realized pretty viscerally last night how unimportant making lots of money is in the realm of seduction. Making enough to satisfy yourself is just the right amount.

Quick note- my cell phone won't accept text messages when it is powered down. Thus, my most recent # from that little Indian hottie will, unfortunately, be lost in the Sands of Time unless she texts me again, which is unlikely. :( I like a dem Indian fembots.

FR: Another retarded 24 hour marathon

So...
First things first. HBhoodrat texted me voluntarily asking me what i was up to. Too bad I had no juice on the cell phone. I might get to see her titties.

I'm trying to figure out what happened first. I hung out with mom on Friday afternoon and evening. She bought me these moleskine notebooks, which are awesome. They fit perfectly into my pockets, and if I carry a small pen with me, I'm set for writing down all the crazy fucking ideas I have.

So yeah.

I roll out and hit up Vox around 1030, meeting up with ae82 and his roommie. Vox was briefly the spot last night. I immediately run into Saffron doing a 1-on-1, which seemed to be going really well. But shit, that dude still owes me $25, I just remembered that. Anyway.

I vaguely open these girls by the side, and they are talking about dancing. They clearly saw my Jagger, which needs a lot of work, but they are pulling me in and doing all kinds of talking about "lessons" and "instructing" and drunk party girl shit. I don't really entertain the conversation that much, just being social and agreeing.

I opened another group of girls, who later turn out to be running deep. Anyway, they are all fun girls that graduated from Merrimack or some local college I don't know. They are all fun and all sub-par white chicks, so WAH. Fun social timez, though.

I go downstairs open a three set with "Do you guys believe in Harry Potter?". I can think of literally nothing to follow it up with, and it tanks in the most awkward and hilarious possible way: stunned confusion and disbelief, and then simultaneous backturns. Wonder.

I roll with Inferno a bit, who doesn't have much problem opening up girls at night, which is neat. he opens up some girl in red, I roll in and wing. Apparently, it's on between them, but my girl is SO fiesty. She's this Korean girl who grew up in America and is the most sarcastic person I've gamed yet. Like, everything I said or asked, she made fun of or gave me fake answers. That's fine, and I was moderately keeping up with her, often pointing out humourously that she is a "dick", which she readily admitted. I kept trying to pull her into comfort, but she really wanted to keep up the C&F banter and rapport-breaking. I played that game for a while, but she was tiresome. I can't remember how the set ended, but no numbers were exchanged, I think.

Immediately afterwards, this hot hot asian 2-set behind us is caught kind of staring at us. Inferno gives them a high five, which opens. He says a few things to them, then clearly starts addressing the hotter, but taller, one. I talk to the smaller and still very hot one. She can't hear me that well, so I switch position and roll HARD. She is immediately digging it, and this continues the entire interaction. I bust on her a bit, call her out for not having white friends, call her out for being a BU asian girl. Inferno's girl is really intense, very little smiling and super-focused on specifics and details. Not surprisingly, she's some kind of nocturnal number-cruncher for a massive faceless company.

It was halfway through this interaction that I realized how much sharper my social skills have gotten from continuous daygame. I was really getting along extremely well with them, and could get wonderful validation-times reactions from them nearly at will.

Anyway, we kind of briefly discuss comfort shit. It's not as extensive as I prefer. I keep on saying things like, "How did you get like this?" or "Where did this come from?" And tried to get her to talk about herself. I think I told her some grounding stuff. Overall the interaction was mostly attraction.

I would have fully shifted into comfort, but Inferno's girl said she wanted to go to the "bathroom" and Ultimatum'd my girl, so they both left. I don't think my AZN realized what her friend meant by 'going to the bathroom', so she thought it was premature for me to get her number when I offered to grab it. Oh well.

We bounced around a while, I didn't spend much time talking to other girls, as far as I can recall.

I crash at ae82's place, and beat the Ninja Gaiden 2 boss after 3 tries, which he couldn't complete on his own. What a n00b. And as usual, he sleepwalks in later and tries to steal my blankets, muttering absolute gibberish and looking really pissed off. It's almost normal now.

The next day, we hit up the talk, which was great, and then I do some gaydame with Inferno at the CopPru. I opened this little indian dental student, who really seemed to be interested in me, and i would have loved to extend our conversation, but I got a miniaturized version of attraction, comfort, and rapport in the time we had. I grabbed her digits.

I opened a taller blackish-indian chick from behind, but she jumped when I tapped her shoulder, and no amount of bailing could salvage the sinking set. It was done despite my best attempts to pace her reality, slow her down, and get her attention.

FR: recent Boston immigrants

I went out today and I was on. On? ON!

I roll to Park st., open hot indian girl walking towards T. Decent open, but she is about to enter the T terminal and she says she has to go.

At the commons, I see someone sitting down. I see a punk haircut, maybe a guy, maybe girl, I circle around to see what's up. She might be Asian! I roll in, she IS azn, and she's hot. HB 7.5. Open direct, talk about her haircut. I lock in (and hilariously FTC hahaha MM FTW) by sitting down, and I playfully bust on her for her portffolio case, which looks like a nuclear briefcase, and we talk a little about the city. She's from Portland, and knows about my school. We chat it up about Maine, a little accent jokes, etc. I ask what's going on, she lives across the street (at Downtown Crossing? CRazy, for only 1800$) with her live-in BF. Whoops. We chat a little more, I go on my way to "harass more people".

I see two girls that are hot that I don't talk to. No worries, no regrets on these, they were mostly a matter of difficult logistics.

I roll to Copley, and as I'm walking through the skywalk, I see an leggy azn girl sitting there, looking at her cell phone. She is a 8 from a distance. I go down the stairs and escalator, pretend to be looking for a friend, and then pseudo-nervous, I walk past her again, then grab my balls, and just roll up on her. She is a 7 up close. She is super confused about my opener. Hoorah, another FOB. I slow down my speech. She is Japanese, so I start using 30% Japanese, a comfortable mix for me. She doesn't understand that I think she's cute, so I have to explain it to her. It's not as awkward as it sounds. We chat a little about Japanese phones, get the logistics, she lives near Symphony booyeah, and she plays the piano. Jigga what? She was a piano teacher in Japan. I mentally pop a boner. She's loving it, and I find out she has like 20 minutes to kill. I instabounce to Au Bon Pain. Walking through, I find out a little about her passions, etc. A little busting, she's not the normal FOB, fairly goofy and funny, which is cool. Lots of great eye contact going on, and I sometimes just say "what? what? what?" to her, and sometimes don't answer her questions, and just look at her eyes, smiling. It seems to work well. I act like I'm not nervous and trying to think of stuff, and it comes off 100% congruent. Eventually, half-way through, when I realized she was a human being, it just went away completely. Grab her number while talking. I grounded myself fully, and I understood her pretty well. Felt like there was a good connection. She has to bounce to meet her friend.

Cool.

Now I'm just in state like none other. It's not a sexual frenzy, but it is a social frenzy. I'm ready to open anything with legs.

I rock over to Newbury St.

I'm at about Aldo/Aldo Accessories area, and I see this black chick walk past. I was fantasizing about a girl like this as I was coming in today, a little hoodrat with big titties and a crude vocabulary and shit. I've been withholding the hand for the last 5 days, and this girl drove me crazy. 5'2", black, fairly slim/healthy build, C-D cups, amazing face, braided fro thingy, in the slinkiest and lowest cut dress ever. HB9. I mentally visualize dropping a load on her face. I walk past, and then start off for her. I approach from behind, tap her on the shoulder and open her directly. I can't for the life of me recall exact stuff, but I joked about her having a swagger, get her to take off her earplugs, and I find out she's from Chicago. I lead the way down the street, she shit tests me about which direction I was going, but I kind of blow it off. We start having a good conversation. She doesn't know much of the city, and she's just walking around drinking in the sights, so I agree to guide her just to the Public Garden. (Just for the record, I ended up spending like 1.5 hours with this girl, and it was really fun.) We talk about our backgrounds. I talk about Chicago, travelling, she shares, I bust on her regularly (like every 5 minutes) until much later in the interaction. I guide her through the garden, to Fanuiel, got her number there while sitting near the Breakdancers, back to the Commons, and eventually to Park St Station, where we parted ways.

She's a very positive girl, who has her own set of values. She grew up in central Chicago, but is doing chemical research and she's very smart. She talks like a Georgia hoodrat, though. I spoke very articulately, which threw her off a little, but I think it was overall a big DHV, as I think she likes being around smart people and considering herself smart. She also entered the state beauty pageant, although was not a finalist. I would like to meet who beat her, because they could not have had nicer, firmer titties.

A brief aside- her titties. They were perky, despite clearly having no bra on under her dress. They were big. I spent most of my concentration NOT looking at her titties, and laughing when she told me stories of guys hitting on her. "Ha ha ha what a bunch of chumps! Could you, perhaps, show me them titties?" She told me that guys hit on her like 10x a day. I experienced nothing like that while rolling w/ her, which I was kind of looking forward to. I wanted to AMOG some guys and really protect her from the pervs of Boston, but no such luck. But yeah, her titties were everything I could ever hope for.

Kino wise, I spent some time hi fiving, I would touch her shoulder a lot for emphasis, and for a few minutes, I put my arm around her. Stupidly, I built negative compliance momentum, because I asked if she had defenses against a headlock, and joked about it, and she removed my arm. I don't know if it was a negative reaction to the kino, or just not wanting a headlock. Lesson learned, don't ever make the kino negative. Also, if I get negative compliance, headlock that bitch (optional chokehold).

It's interesting, because I started calibrating to her: I found a tone of voice that would make her laugh or comply (it was very authoritative), and I found which kind of jokes were working, and which were not, and I dropped the jokes that weren't. It was eerie, like I could see them coming.

Sometimes she would lead, like she wanted to get ice cream from the B&J near the park plaza hotel, which I was not aware of. I let her lead, playing it off like a joke, and it's fun to see where she'll lead me. Turns out she's right, and she hooks me up with free ice cream, because she knew the female working behind the counter. Cool. Sometimes, she would stop while we were walking to say or emphasize something, but so did I. I led maybe 70-80%, she led the rest. It seemed to work well. I would let her cut me off sometimes verbally, but I would talk over her or cut her off as well at times, so it seemed to be working all right.

I would say the one thing I was not doing well was getting sexuality/physical comfort going. I did one or two sexual double entendres, and I think a minor sexual roleplay (extremely minor). It's strange, because everyone says day game means !hands off!, but it felt like I should have had my arms around her waist at points, and I felt like I was choding out by not kinoing her harder. Maybe I'm totally off, and I did too much. She was trying to figure out ADD style how to get back home, and I asked her what her final destination was, and she gave me this look, like 'I'm not going to tell you where I live' or something. I clear up the issue, and say "you think the worst of everyone, huh?" which might have fucked me, because it made going back to her place seem like a bad intention or something.

Anyway, with her number (and I told her I'd call her this weekend), I get on the T. I smile the whole way back, and weird out the people sitting around me.

I'm thinking of them titties. THEM TITTIES. Too many Yolandas throwing up they titties. haha this no porn/jerking streak is making me lose my mind.

A great day, though, and I really have ZERO REGRETS about today. I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!

Flake

I assume I got flaked by HBadopted, which is good. I was yet to have had a really meaningful rapport with someone followed by a flake. I feel like this hardening will help me keep on pushing myself: there's no phone number that's gauranteed solid, get over it.

Establishing meaningful rapport isn't a big deal, although it is something that I should be getting better at doing quickly, but that's about it.

Phone Game

So...
I am deleting numbers from my phone. I see one that says 'Mia', which I don't recognize. So, I call it up.

It was super awkward, because she couldn't speak English at all. I assumed it was some FOB AZN that I cracked way back in the day before I started adding HB to the names of all female interests in my phone.

TURNS OUT, it was actually a girl that Nashville (Doc's friend) opened up and number closed back in the day, using my phone because his phone had no juice.

POINT BEING, I'm going to use this as a story for phone game from henceforth, but changing one vital element. I'm going to claim that he had supposedly boned her, and she said all kinds of nasty shit to me before establishing I was someone else. Thus it's a vaguely funny story to tell right as you call somebody up.

Anyways, I called up my sister, voicemail. I called up my buddy Bravado, and got my verbals pumping. I called up HBadopted, voicemail. I call up HBnastyballet, voicemail. My voicemail for them all is, "Hey, it's Evan. I'll be in and out for a while, so try to get a hold of me." I send a text to HBrandomFOB, no response.

I'll text HBadopted and nastyballet in a week or two for final calls, but it feels like they're both flakes. UGGH! I don't have to mention that I would prefer they hadn't flaked. Especially adopted, I was really interested in her, felt that we had established a CLEAR line of rapport, plus she was reading Philip Roth and David Sedaris, which I'm down wit.

Time to grab more wooden numbers! Yeeehaaa!

Going out, staying hungry

Yesterday was the first day in nearly 2 weeks where I didn't go out to Pick up.

I went to a Red Sox game last evening, and almost approached girls there. I don't mind the weight on my shoulders to approach all the time, because I need the boost in my skillset. However, I didn't approach at the game. It happens.

I'm sure eventually I won't need to approach every vaguely attractive girl, but right now I feel that need, and it's useful.

NEW TACTICS

Stuff to try out:
-Do a Jagger Imitation ("Do your best Jagger")
-Joan Rivers style: "Who are you wearing and what are your moves?"
-Three word sentences ONLY


NOTES FROM CAJUN ABOUT BL:
-move like you're underwater, and only when you need to
-As many chicken dances and Jagger Swaggers as possible
-more physically comfortable than everyone else in the group
-RELAX the eyes
-fearless interaction: study her whole face like it's a microscope slide of some bizarre culture, head to the side with the lips pursed with mild sexual arousal and intent.
-Call the bluff of shit tests/verbal attacks with stare-down, and then SOI them for having balls.

OR: FUCK

I went out and struck out. I ended up sitting next to this hot asian girl who got really weirded out by me doing a double take when I saw her. She pretended to be asleep. I kept on psyching myself up to talk to her and never did. This is bush league.

I thought I gave myself permission to not approach girls if I didn't want to today. And yet I really let myself down. I'm going to need a two-set opener for the daytime, because I'm tired of seeing hot girls walk past me and me not giving myself permission to talk to them.

It's funny, talking to a stranger isn't a big deal. Today, I wondered how I could have survived in this world from infancy if I'm not even strong enough to talk to some random girl(s).

It's all about the momentum. The first set is always the hardest, and it needs to be done as soon and as mindlessly as possible.

Not to compound the problem, but there is still the looming issues of undeservingness and needing them to like (validate) me when I open. Those will go away if I open a fuck-ton of girls. Opening a fuck-ton of girls is really hard.

I really want to turn this around.

FR

Went out with my good friend Mr. Awesome and crew to cast him off or something. It was a good time, we all had a blast. We created a man-circle on the dancefloor at Gypsy. Good times. I peaced out early because I had to get home and wake up to go to sailing lessons.

Turns out that wasn't necessary, but no worries.

Go home, almost talk to this good looking little Asian girl, but pussy out waiting for post JFK-Umass to make sure we can talk. She gets off.

Get off the train, walk home. Halfway there, I open two girls, fatty and littley UG4 and HB6. They are visibly drunk. I engage them well, talking nonsense and really getting them going. I act as guide for the area, get them Chinese food, and we joke around a lot. I'm mad kinoing the little one, and we have a few almost-kisses. It's hard to do that and still not get too sleazy for the fatty. Anyway, the fatty drives me home, and I regretfully DO NOT OVERSELL MY HOUSE and just number close. They certainly would have come in if I had realized this in time. And I certainly would have boned little HB6 Ballet dancer girl. Live and learn.

I ended my no-whacking-it run at 5 days. It wasn't a clean 5 days though, I kind of cheated around the edges. No worries, I'm starting it up for real now. No porning, no touching, unless they are for sarge purposes.

IT HAS BEGUN

I talked to my ideal girl today. She was almost directly from my description of my ideal girl that I put on my bucket list. Her hair was a few inches too long, and she wasn't in perfect shape. She maybe blew me off, but told me she was going back to India tomorrow.

Point being: I talked to her.

I fucking rock. If I can do that, I can do anything.

FR: Gypsy

Wnet out with my boy Bravado to celebrate his 22nd, then went out with some other people. Joked around with some of the girls, had a decent time. Then I went to Gypsy with AE82Power and a friend who is partially non-community.

I went in and starting opening sets, getting momentum. I did the metal sign opening thing, and opened a few other 2 sets. They usually opened very well, because I was feeling super-dominant, but then they fizzled, because I somehow wasn't thinking of things to say. I was way too much in attract-n'-dominate mode, and not enough in realworld seduction mode.

A good example:
I opened a 2set of Latinas, HB7+5 who were dancing. "Is this a competition? Do I need to be the judge? (laughter) I saw some intense stares here (laughter)." I almost comically dominantly introduce myself and get their names. The 7 is trying to point out the 5. I search for things to say and end up cold reading them as the most evil girls in the room (laughter). Some other stuff, I tell the 5 if she keeps dancing like that, I won't be able to control myself (laughter). Without a wing, I just dancing monkey for a bit and then leave to find my friends.

Whatever.

Point being, ae82 was having a very tough time with AA. I was trying to help him out, to no avail. I would literally guide him physically to the sets of girls, tell him just to say "hi" and he would puss out.

I've never been that bad, but I've had similar things during day game, where I'll start walking towards a girl as a gesture that I'm GOING TO DO IT, and then end up not doing it and getting pissed at myself.

He was venting for like an hour afterwards, and was saying that he went out and did the bootcamp and had gone out a lot in the past, and thought that at this point, he should be over it.

I said that you never get over the fear of the approach, you have to always work at it.

I realized that had a lot to do with my earlier post about my own AA, and how paying somebody or getting advice from somebody isn't going to be as helpful as continuing to go out there and keep the skillset up there.

But it will help, so I'm going for it.

One of the worst days in a long time

An exceptionally frustrating day today.
I got in an accident on my way to work, some dude hit me from behind.
After work, I started sarging, and just got back. That's about 2.5 decent hours of sarging.
Stats:
Approaches: .5
Girls that I regret not talking to: Countless

I really really wanted to push myself, once I noticed I wasn't opening sets. I started taking things really personally, and started getting very upset with myself. I became more and more emotionally overwhelmed by the situation (the situation being that I'll never push myself and thus never get good), which conveniently made me too overwhelmed to actually handle the problem and start talking to women.

I got really really down on myself, feeling like I'll never get good at this, because I never can push myself, and I can never make myself do minimum game.

Then I started having bad thoughts, like I thought about how EVEN IF I roll up with a great state, relaxed and normal, wearing one of my nicest outfits, and being super friendly/talkative/playful, I still won't be able to land a HB 10.

I thought about how deep down, I'm a lonely person, and have been throughout my whole life. This is kind of true, and I don't think it's some rationalization of mine. Growing up, I was alone in many ways. My mom scheduled all the friends into my life when I was young, and I remember enjoying doing it, but I also remember spending a lot of time alone, and feeling alone. When we went camping, I would wander off on my own for hours. I liked to spend time alone, thinking. In high school, I was miserable and alone, with only a few friends that I had made out of complete mutual neediness.

I don't know how that affects me now, but there is a fundamental NEED I have to be accepted by others that gets put into massive jeopardy when I go sarging.

So yea, I was having lots of negative thoughts about what I'm capable and not capable of, and what kind of person I am. I haven't lost state and gone negative in a long time, which is good. I used to spend all my time negative, then most, then some, and now I spend very little time being negative or getting emotionally overwhelmed by frustrating situations. But it made today really bad, and I kind of spiralled.

I know all my internal problems relating to this would be FIXED EVENTUALLY if I just ALWAYS approached girls I was attracted to, because eventually I would start succeeding and having these girls in my life, and that would fix all my "deservingness" beliefs and beliefs about what kind of life I can make for myself. It's just that every day I go out and DO NOT push myself, the more a life of bitterness, loneliness and regret seems likely. I think I can see where I'm going if I continue like this. It doesn't look good. I need to change something.

I don't even really need the REAL inner game fix right now. I literally just need to program a hot girl=approach equation into my brain, and my problems will start to right themselves. I'm going to ask all my buddies in the community about how to program this into my brain. A few people come to mind who really seem to have no problem pushing themselves to approach, even when they're having trouble: Doc, Saffron, Entropy, Smallville, Bravado. No surprise that they are some of the best in the local lair. I feel like a retard asking these guys for help, but I feel even more like a retard thinking that I shouldn't.

Actually check that. ANYBODY WHO READS THIS WHO HAS NO PROBLEM PUSHING THEMSELVES, WRITE A COMMENT/TEXT ME/EMAIL ME/CALL ME/PM ME. I will listen to anybody who has ideas on how to push myself. I have tried the 100$ thing before, and I have MUCH less of a problem doing this with friends around, because my needs for acceptance are already met by virtue of hanging with someone.

OR

-Went out, opened Asian girls and some other non-asians, 0 numbers.
-I really don't want to think about the sets right now, but I should start analyzing all of them, and looking for commonalities.
-Had a good time with Brahmin, who's a funny guy.
-Looking to push myself with the hotter women still. When I see the hottest, I don't go for it. That's the deciding factor between the perma-rAFC and the PUA. The PUSH.

FR

I went out at 5 to do the Brad P. challenge. I walked around and within an hour had completed half, which is 2x slower than "allowed" by him. Anyway, I then walked around trying to open fembots. I opened one or two. Then I ran into three PUAs and rolled with Brahmin for a bit. I grabbed digi's off of a Korean fembot HB6. I opened a girl only to realize she worked the information desk. I continued to run a stifled game, which was bad, and I ejected before I ruined my plaza dealie. Whatever.

I came back, invited over my former FB and she just wasn't having it. I ran perhaps the tightest LMR shit ever (superhard caveman) but she just wouldn't give it up. We've fucked before. What the hell? She's a weird girl, and I still can't figure it out. I froze her out, I changed her mood, I probed to see if something was wrong in her life, nothing. Boring. I tried to kick her out, but she kept on stalling, not wanting to leave. What a weirdo.

OR

OK. That didn't work.

My problem is that I'm too stifled. I'm going to DO the "social freedom exercises" of Brad P. I might even try to bark like a dog on the T. Whatever.
The exercises are, in order:
1. Make eye contact with 3 people. Hold it as long as possible.
2. Ask a stranger what time it is.
3. Ask a stranger for directions.
4. Ask for directions then make small talk for 30 seconds.
5. Small talk with a store clerk for 2 minutes.
6. Last 3 minutes with a rapport seeker (homeless person, environment-saver, etc.) without giving into their demands.
7. Small talk with a store clerk even as the next customer is getting rung up.
8. Tell a joke in front of people I know.
9. Dance a little in a public place.
10. Walk down the street while singing or rapping.
11. Start a conversation with a stranger and make that person laugh.
12. Butt into a conversation, as if I've been part of it the whole time.
13. Dance FULL OUT in a public place (Billy Elliot)
14. Recall an embarassing moment in front of a safe group.
15. Recall an embarassing moment in a 1-on-1 with a stranger.
16. Tell a joke in front of a group of strangers.
17. Moonwalk in a circle in front of strangers.
18. Tell a stranger a deep, dark secret.

OR: Day game

I went out, chatted one HB6 asian briefly. That's not great. I saw the glass wall. There were about 10 females that I wanted to chat with that I didn't. I'm upset at myself. I'll push myself harder next time. I'll be out tomorrow as well.

I've got a part time job that is perfect for daygame. It's 1-5PM, so I have noonish game and post work game. I'll probably expand my hours to get more money, but it's a source of revenue and it's getting me out and about during the warm days in Downtown Crossing area. I will push myself HARD.

Here's my strategy. I'll start by talking to people on the train. Just a Hi or Nice weather, or even just a smile, but really put myself out there. EC holding mofo. Off the train, I'll sarge for an hour outdoors. That means circle around the Downtown Crossing area, picking off hoodrats and random attractive females. Post work, I'll buzz across the Commons to Newbury/Copley and chat up EVERY attractive set. That includes 2 sets. I'll start off 2 sets by asking for directions or the time.