The Sexual Hang-Up Post

It's all in capitals because this shit is important to me. I read a snippet from Nancy Friday's "My secret Garden" and I had the reaction of feeling incredibly insecure. Truth is, I'm always insecure about my sexuality around women. It's something I want to change, because that will spell success for me once I can get my head around my hang-ups and really become comfortable with sexuality and fucking and all the straight-up hardcore details that make me uncomfortable right now.

OK. Let's get started.

My first sexual experience was actually with a male friend of mine when I was 5 or 6. I guess this is pretty normal? I've read it elsewhere that it's common to have that kind of experience. Anyway, I looked back at that for a long time and it confused me about my sexual orientation during my teens. I've since come out of that decidedly heterosexual lol. Point being, I really came into sexuality confused and this lasted for a long time, even affecting me to this day.

Growing up, I was ashamed of my sexuality. I remember some of my earliest sexual experiences being incredibly embarassing. I wrote a poem when I was 11 about this girl's vagina (no I hadn't been there lol) and my parents found it, and CONFRONTED me about it. I vaguely recall them telling me how it was wrong or something. I had to hide everything sexual from my parents from that point onwards, and felt that sexuality was something shameful that I shouldn't have.

The first time a girl showed any interest in me (at age 16), I flipped my shit and "supplicated" her hardcore. Anyway, she was in Maine, and I in Massachusetts, so I went up to see her and it was super super awkward. On the plus side, her mom made us cookies, so that was cool. Otherwise, I was WAY too ashamed of my sexuality and who I was to ever try and escalate. I assumed she was just mistaken or confused by being attracted to me. I went back and didn't talk to her again for years.

My first heterosexual sexual experience was also incredibly strange. I was 17 and at French camp. I ended up dancing with this chick from Mexico during a dance on the first or second night, which BLEW MY MIND. She was 14. We went outside and talked. I was scared shitless and did not escalate. We hung out twice more, and on the third time, easily the creepiest thing ever happened. I finally decided it was time to escalate. We were sitting in this empty area next to the basketball court indoors, and we were talking. We both stopped talking, and I put my hand on her. Literally, it was like a scientific experiment. She could have been a Sequoia tree or a stuffed bear. I started rubbing my hands over her. All over her. Like, think of the most uncalibrated and weak-ass cavemanning ever. I was just rubbing my hand, open-palm all over her, except for titties, and mostly not covering her face. We did that for about 20 minutes. No talking, just awkward KINO. In retrospect, I am fully surprised that she didn't kick me in the balls and run away. She must have REALLY liked me to put up with it. Anyway, later that night, I got to kiss her cheek. It was awesome. For whatever reason, I stopped liking her and kind of blew her off for the rest of French camp.

My first time penetrating a female, it gets perhaps even more embarassing. I was 20 in college. My friend M, who later became a FB of mine a few years after, came up to visit me at school. She stayed in my room. I somewhat kinoed her and ended up literally BEGGING her to have sex with me. She literally gave me a PITY FUCK. If that wasn't bad enough, I was awful at it (not surprising nor unusual), but it was so bad that she just stopped me after 5 minutes and said something like, "Let's just go to sleep." It wasn't LMR or ASD. She was just completely turned off by the crappy sex. So that struck a blow to my sexual confidence.

A lot of my insecurity stems from feeling like I can't perform. I have yet to ever cum inside a female. I've had several more sexual experiences since then, but I've always had to finish manually. It makes me feel weird. I've never had regular sex with a girl before. It's usually ONS situations. The most I've ever boned a single girl is maybe 6-8 times. My total sexual experience is very small, despite being with perhaps what I would consider a normal NUMBER of females for a "normal"/AFC dude. I really want to experience the sex that everyone ELSE talks about, where they experience emotions and physical satisfaction and intimacy. Every time I fuck, it feels like I'm attempting a difficult trapeze maneuver or writing a philosophical treatise. Also, my wang is super sensitive and it hurts if a girl handles it marginally roughly. One time in Vegas, this girl was beejing me and doing that thing with her hands where she kinds of does an indian rug burn maneuver with both hands, and it was SEVERELY PAINFUL. So I feel like I can't have normal casual sexual relations without experiencing some hardcore pain.

Reading "My secret garden" caused me a lot of anxiety, because I feel like I can't even satisfy myself, so how could I satisfy all these bizarre fetishes or even basic sexual minimum req's for women? They fantasize about cheating and all that shit, and I know I can't hold a candle to most other guys my age. I'm totally incompetent with sex, despite reading DEVI, etc. I lack practical experience. I can't satisfy nor keep up with the kind of women I want in my life.

So. Now that THAT is out there, let's move on to the important shit: what to do about it.

A lot of this will probably self-correct if I:
-withhold the hand
-have/attempt more sex, and gain basic competence
-PUSH MY GAME ALWAYS, and really put myself in a position to confront this issue head-on
-perhaps get a short-term girlfriend and spend all my time banging her brains out until I can do it right. That still would require more game than I'm currently spitting. My current game is foul.

BRIEF ASIDE: I hate it when guys in the community say things like, "Getting sex is easy. It's XYZ(intimacy, self-respect, etc.) that's hard." Getting sex is not easy for me. I don't even have a rough idea of how to get from meet to sex with the kind of game I'm generally running these days. You guys got better at this way faster than me, and although I'm not self-conscious about my slower learning curve, it's obnoxious hearing this stuff. QUIT TELLING ME GETTING LAID IS EASY!