As long as I have a shred of neediness in my body, as long as I'm not 100% sure of my ability to attract, comfort, fuck, and date a beautiful woman, the NEED for a woman in my life will always be the emotionally sticky, self-esteem-changing thing that it has been for the rest of my life.

I realized lately that I can bone girls. I realized that I'm a normal guy and can pull when certain moons align. What I also realized is that I can really multiply that effectiveness if I study PU. I was studying PU to become normal, which was putting the cart before the horse.

i don't need to study PU to feel normal or socially acceptable. I now want to study PU for the truer reason of desiring poon and getting laid and getting trim. I don't want to study PU to have people like me or to be interesting or normal. That's done with, I'm there. I see now how certain guys got to the point of getting really good at PU. First they had to be normalized, which is something I think I've experienced. UGH

lesson learned

when i drink, it becomes incredibly difficult to:
-keep it up
-come
-focus on the female

if i'm sober, and i can see what's going on (i'm super visual during sex), then no problem. if i'm drunk, then it's going to require herculean efforts to finish up. i see the pattern now, and I'm going to avoid drinking when i believe a female is coming through, and not worry when i don't think a female is coming through.

respect.

Pahty

Hit up a party. Alcohol + women + me = flirt zone. I was doing great last night. Attracted the girl I wanted, but had logistical problems get in the way. Should have grabbed her number, but I hadn't qualified her enough. Also chatted with her friend and got her semi-attracted, as well. The main difference between sober and drunk me is that I keep talking when I'm drunk.

going out

Went out. Saw maybe 5 girls alone that were cute. Tried to open one, but I let her get away. I opened another but she walked away (headphones, but I think she noticed me), and didn't open the rest. There were absurd amounts of hot girls with friends, but groups still weird me out, and I have no idea how to make that happen. It's something I'm not used to.

I got annoyed at the BL forums getting clogged with off-topic posts about articles and cute videos, but people don't like it when I say that it's off-topic, so whatever. I'm not Warwick, or even a deputy moderator, so it's not my place. I guess I was just annoyed that we have an established off-topic forum and it never gets used, but valuable posts are being swarmed by stuff that I don't think is particularly helpful. Boobies. I think I should steer clear of BL until I have something useful and SPECIFIC to offer, because I have no real business being there and spending my time reading posts, etc.

Going out tomorrow.

I got a haircut today, and it's totally generic, not at all interesting. I'm starting to question the awesomeness of Ojee's.

I'll be attending the Saturday even where Entropy will be speaking. I'm looking forward to hearing him talk. It's on post-lay stuff, which isn't relevant to my life, but I'd like to hear, learn anyway, and support.

Haven't been going out much, or doing much.

LR: Drunk

Hooked up with hot black chick (7.5), but couldn't get it up when it came to penetrating, even after she Beejed me. Very nice girl, too bad I couldn't f her brains out.

My game was commanding the interactions, being very funny, having one or two similarities, and a little bit of push pull. She was also kind of drunk. I had been drinking too, but I don't really think that contributed to the dick problem. I just couldn't get it up, and started to have some really negative feelings, but I cancelled those out, and ended up feeling neutral about it. It happens.

Whatever.

The next day was very awkward for me.

Incidentally, I had sabotaged my HMO-less streak, so it had been one day. I don't know what that means, but it may have affected my performance.

I think it played it as best I could, you know, not taking myself too seriously, thinking just about how good her body felt, relaxing as much as possible. No dice.

Anti-onanistic Observation

Not jerking it helps SO MUCH for approach anxiety, desire, normalization of behavior. After 5 days of restriction, I went out today, and had almost no anxiety. I'm going to regulate it to every 5 days or maybe 7 if that increases my aggression. I even sent in a job application to a local temporary staffing group.

Is withholding masturbating my salvation?

I will just count off the days. Unlike pretty much everything else in my life, I won't need charts or graphs or checklists or calendars to keep track of it, because I feel every day going past.

Being fearless when talking to girls is such a wonderful payoff for the resistance of my habits and urges.

Today is Day 1. Saturday will be Day 6. I will withhold until I feel a decrease in aggression, and then scale it back to the zenith.