OR: Utterly typical

i sarged till my feet hurt. I walked for maybe 3 hours, opened maybe 3 or 4 girls. Nothing too impressive. The girls always seem to get nervous and want to get away from me. I think I'm smiling, so that should be defusing most of the creepy. I'm not really sure where I'm going wrong, but every set is filled with lots of nervousness (mostly from them). I freaked out pre-approach, wandered for 5-10 minutes talking myself up, finally approached crashed and burned on a goddamned 5 in the Coop. What the fuck!

Anyway, my sets are not good. I'm not a normal person or something. Maybe 70% of the responses I'm getting SHOULD be pinging to me that I am a weirdo and socially unacceptable. Thank god I don't care and don't live in a tribe. I am at the point of conversational normalcy, IMO, although there's some subcommunication that isnt coming out right. I will look into it.

The possible reasons are:
-personal space: I don't really violate this much lately
-smiling: I don't consciously think if I'm smiling or not, I might not be
-Awkward pauses: I have them because my mind is constantly blanking

I'm not great at picking apart my interactions, because I'm fully immersed in the nervousness and emotions of trying to be a cool person. It takes all my faculties to keep up conversationally and to be witty.

Also, I don't give myself permission to be as interesting as I could be, because I don't feel that I have a life worth talking about, as untrue as that may be. Haha damnit. Everybody else I know has sticking points emanating from their outer game (which, ironically, probably has some minimal basis in their inner game). Point being, I'm sabotaging myself because in my mind, beautiful and interesting women have no place in the life that I am living. Perhaps a lot of this is created by societal bullshit about financial success, etc. But as it stands now, I don't have a life I'm passionate about, and I don't want to share the life I'm living with others. Whew.

When I started this blog, it was going to be about pickup. I read other guys' blogs and they would often extend their posts to other things like career, friendships, etc. I wanted to compartmentalize it. That's a mistake.

Here's something interesting. My mom asked me today what I would do if I had any amount of money. It's a good question, but my mind blanked. I wanted to travel, but had no specific destination in mind. I eventually answered that I would go to the Siberian Steppes and meditate, because it sounds like a really cool time.

It's a good answer, but what was scary was the blankness in my mind when she asked about future plans. Even thinking about future plans fills my mind with self-doubt, limiting beliefs, and a cloud of negativity. I always switch topics when people ask me what I want to do for a job, or where I want to be in a few years. That stuff is scary.

I'm about to put up a post detailing my careerhood.