Deja Vu

Last year, I was going out by myself and sometimes with wings to Fanueil a lot, and in a moment of deja vu (walking through the cold in my nice shoes), I had an image of myself a year ago doing something similar. In fact, as my brain progressed, I realized that a lot was similar to last year. If you ignore all the mental beliefs I've incorporated since a year ago, both positive and negative, not a lot has changed. I'm jobless again, my social skills are slightly better, but not massively so. I actually have less friends. :(

What gets me angry- after all this time spent in the field and reading and learning and sweating and bleeding, my PU skills have increased maybe 10%, tops. And that's 10% better than a pretty raw number, it's not a nuance on a finely honed game. It's like 10% better than a big block of marble. It looks like a human figure. Or a manatee. Not angry. I'm not angry about it, nor am I overwhelmingly frustrated. I've experienced so much frustration in my life that I tend to just ignore anything that makes me frustrated, which isn't good.

I chalk up my lack of progress to a lack of consistency. I'll have my little streaks of 24 hour daygame into nightgame and crash on a couch nights, but then I would have a week of self-indulgent video games and low self-esteem. Also low sex drive. Probably from poor eating habits and constant masturbation.

Bleak.