FRish

Went out w/ Royalty. Daygame. Something was off, and my sets went HORRIBLY.

I finally recorded my sarges, and I noticed something: I roll in talking about 5 words per second. It is frightening how fast I speak, because I am clearly demonstrating how nervous I am.

At this point, I still talk to girls when I like them, but I'm often nervous about doing it. I'm like an AFC with balls. That's not good enough for me.

I was listening to Tony Robbins on the way in, and he was talking about OPA (outcome, purpose, action). The Purpose of PUA shit for me is partially so that I can mate with an attractive woman and not feel like I'm settling for someone less than fully desirable.

But another part of it is clearly so that I can get approval from women. When my state is fully on and I'm feeling good about myself, I am less concerned with their approval and more concerned with their poon, but it's usually about gaining acceptance as being a valid human being and a cool guy. That's called an inner game problem.

When I roll in PU, I feel like I'm using a borrowed ladder, like I'm stealing the externals of a cool guy to mask something horrible inside. Obviously, that's not the case. Deep down, I'm a nice guy and just want to be happy, but the falseness (the falseness being I don't feel I deserve the women that I talk to) that characterizes some of my interactions is really pretty fucked up.

When I have a problem like this that I am intently focusing on, it's easy to find other negative things in my life that compound that problem. I'm not going to get into specifics, because they're not really relevant to PU. But all this negativity and negative focus is just WRONG.

I don't feel that my life is so messed up that I should be focusing on all this negative stuff. I know that you could be a guy whose life is permanently in a state of transition (Entropy), yet could still love yourself, have great self-esteem, and really provide romance, adventure and emotions in women's lives. My guess is the problem isn't external at all.

I've always had the feeling that I'm a guy who mostly has his inner game down. But every once in a while, shit pops up that highlights some serious problems in my perspective. That point is usually where thre rubber meets the road, i.e. when I actually sarge.

It feels good to get this shit out. My problem isn't really insidious or even that big of a problem. I'm going to handle it, but it feels good to let loose and really talk about the feelings I get from time to time.

Tony R says that metaphorically and literally, when your car is in a spinout, you need to be focused on the direction you want to go to eventually right yourself. So that's going to be getting out more often, talking to MORE girls when I do, and eliminating sticking points (Bad BL, rushing, blanking out) more efficiently. PLUS a focus on inner game.

My current living situation makes me want to explode. Living with my dad makes me infuriated at times, and I feel like an invalid whenever I reflect on it. But I should focus on what I need to do/where I need to go. That means looking for money incomez and apartment locationz. This is a PU, life, and inner game issue that needs resolution IMMEDIATELY.