Went out, opened one asian girl, she smiled in a no thanks, I hdon't have any spare change kind of way, and walked away.
Depressing day out.
Asian women are rough. I rarely get good reactions. Limiting belief: I can't bone them unless I'm in the social circle.
I'm totally bummed out. I feel like a freak. But if I let up now, I'll end up lonely and alone and bitter and crapy. I'm not going to dabble, I'm going to immerse and excel.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
ILLEGAL Sexy Times
I was looking at this site, which is frightening. It is just a website, and could easily be inaccurate, and I should do more research before I post all my findings. I'm posting this shit ANYWAYZ!!!
http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/sex.html.
It is a site with all the sex laws of the commonwealth of Massachusetts.
Check it:
-It is illegal to have sex w/ 18 year olds, although it's only been prosecuted once in 1987.
-Fornication is illegal and punishable by 3 months or 30$.
-Adultery (whether or not you are the married or nonmarried person) is illegal, and punishable by state prison of 3 years, jail for 2, or up to 500$.
These are probably wrong, but I've fornicated in Massachusetts before. Oh shit. I probably owe the government money.
http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/sex.html.
It is a site with all the sex laws of the commonwealth of Massachusetts.
Check it:
-It is illegal to have sex w/ 18 year olds, although it's only been prosecuted once in 1987.
-Fornication is illegal and punishable by 3 months or 30$.
-Adultery (whether or not you are the married or nonmarried person) is illegal, and punishable by state prison of 3 years, jail for 2, or up to 500$.
These are probably wrong, but I've fornicated in Massachusetts before. Oh shit. I probably owe the government money.
Deja Vu
Last year, I was going out by myself and sometimes with wings to Fanueil a lot, and in a moment of deja vu (walking through the cold in my nice shoes), I had an image of myself a year ago doing something similar. In fact, as my brain progressed, I realized that a lot was similar to last year. If you ignore all the mental beliefs I've incorporated since a year ago, both positive and negative, not a lot has changed. I'm jobless again, my social skills are slightly better, but not massively so. I actually have less friends. :(
What gets me angry- after all this time spent in the field and reading and learning and sweating and bleeding, my PU skills have increased maybe 10%, tops. And that's 10% better than a pretty raw number, it's not a nuance on a finely honed game. It's like 10% better than a big block of marble. It looks like a human figure. Or a manatee. Not angry. I'm not angry about it, nor am I overwhelmingly frustrated. I've experienced so much frustration in my life that I tend to just ignore anything that makes me frustrated, which isn't good.
I chalk up my lack of progress to a lack of consistency. I'll have my little streaks of 24 hour daygame into nightgame and crash on a couch nights, but then I would have a week of self-indulgent video games and low self-esteem. Also low sex drive. Probably from poor eating habits and constant masturbation.
Bleak.
What gets me angry- after all this time spent in the field and reading and learning and sweating and bleeding, my PU skills have increased maybe 10%, tops. And that's 10% better than a pretty raw number, it's not a nuance on a finely honed game. It's like 10% better than a big block of marble. It looks like a human figure. Or a manatee. Not angry. I'm not angry about it, nor am I overwhelmingly frustrated. I've experienced so much frustration in my life that I tend to just ignore anything that makes me frustrated, which isn't good.
I chalk up my lack of progress to a lack of consistency. I'll have my little streaks of 24 hour daygame into nightgame and crash on a couch nights, but then I would have a week of self-indulgent video games and low self-esteem. Also low sex drive. Probably from poor eating habits and constant masturbation.
Bleak.
Notes from Sat Night
-DO NOT half-ass escalation
-open more often
-smile on open
-don't address whole group if you don't have to
-kino earlier
-aggressive on dancefloor
-merge forward to 8+ sets (they were all ice cold to me, same with asian cliques)
-open first set you see, continue for 20 min. to get into state
-do not wait for others to take lead (especially on entrance of location)
-ignore everything that won't help me
-open more often
-smile on open
-don't address whole group if you don't have to
-kino earlier
-aggressive on dancefloor
-merge forward to 8+ sets (they were all ice cold to me, same with asian cliques)
-open first set you see, continue for 20 min. to get into state
-do not wait for others to take lead (especially on entrance of location)
-ignore everything that won't help me
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
SOLO notez
I went out solo tonight. Notes:
-Going out solo is more fun than going with community guys
-make vibing more natural
-calibrate (literally just a time/experience issue)
-choose a target, even if both are enjoying it
-don't move around so much
-kino slowly and consistently and ESCALATE CONSTANTLY
-SLOW DOWN
-don't qualify yourself unless it's conscious to calibrate value
-don't talk about work
-learn how to dance with a female on dancefloor
-chill out the dancing monkey man
-go for makeout ASAP
-don't half-ass escalation
-stay out long as possible and open more sets
going out alone was liberating, nerve-wracking and fun. I pretended to be from California visiting Boston because I wanted the clean break from the area, etc. I guess it was a mental thing to help me socialize. Also, people were dicks to me all day long, so I'm kind of disillusioned about the nature of Boston.
-Going out solo is more fun than going with community guys
-make vibing more natural
-calibrate (literally just a time/experience issue)
-choose a target, even if both are enjoying it
-don't move around so much
-kino slowly and consistently and ESCALATE CONSTANTLY
-SLOW DOWN
-don't qualify yourself unless it's conscious to calibrate value
-don't talk about work
-learn how to dance with a female on dancefloor
-chill out the dancing monkey man
-go for makeout ASAP
-don't half-ass escalation
-stay out long as possible and open more sets
going out alone was liberating, nerve-wracking and fun. I pretended to be from California visiting Boston because I wanted the clean break from the area, etc. I guess it was a mental thing to help me socialize. Also, people were dicks to me all day long, so I'm kind of disillusioned about the nature of Boston.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Brad P Social Freedom
Been on a massive crapfest lately. New lows of self-esteem galore!
I'm doing this thing where I'm consistently improving some points of my life (meditation, withholding the hand to a moderate level, running, and sarging). Free times means more potential sarging time.
I did part of the Brad P. social freedom exercise (as much as I could do before sheer fright overtook me). I got a score that is below average, meaning I'm more socially anxious than the average person. Of course, I did COMPLETELY freak myself out beforehand.
No solicitors approached me, and I really didn't feel comfortable approaching them. Well, guess what?! Tomorrow, I WILL approach them, and start talking.
Just starting a random conversation is overwhelming for me. For hot girls, it's a battle between overwhelming social anxiety and how hot/attainable they are. If it's a hot hot girl who I might have a *shot* with, I will usually try my best to avoid the social anxiety. I think the SA is fucking with my openers when I do that, though, so I'm going to do these social freedom exercises until I get that shit handled. That means every day unless it's not possible.
I feel very lonely lately. Pretty much every aspect of my life is in the dumps right now. I have almost no friends, I have basically no established romantic prospects, I have no job, nor any prospects for a job forthcoming, and all kinds of negative shit I could list but won't.
Let's move onto the exercises I did today.
1. EC- Hard to find 3 people who were looking at me, and I did feel anxiety when looking at guys, making them think I was gay or something.
2. Ask for the time- EASY
3. Ask for directions- EASY
4. Ask for directions with 30 seconds of small talk- initially difficult to find a "good" candidate, but easy because the girl ended up being Japanese, so I chatted to her briefly about tourism in Boston and Tokyo. Also she had sweet Angelina Jolie Hackers hair.
5. Small talk with store clerk- Pretty poor. I asked the guy for directions to the water, and BRIEFLY BRIEFLY mentioned how I had fre time and a book, and I wanted to zone out, and then confirmed the directions. Chode.
6. Rapport seeker- No one approached me, and I didn't want to approach this big fat guy tending the doors at the 7-11 nor the hip hop CD selling guy who was chatting with his buddy. Chode.
7. Talk to clerk after getting rung up- Didn't totally accomplish this. I started talking to the clerk about the spring clothes going on clearance, but she led me awayt from the counter. I briefly chatted about the clothes, very "on-topic". Semi-chode.
8. Tell a joke to someone I know- who do I know that I...? Anyway, I sent the first line of a joke to a friend but he never texted back.
9. Dance a little- Easy.
10. Walk down the street singing- Fairly easy.
11. Walk up to a stranger, start convo, don't stop until he laughs- Didn't do it. CHODE.
12-18. Didn't do them. FULL CHODE. They were way too scary for me. I really suck at pushing myself, or I'm a total agoraphobic. Anyway...
That's the rundown today. I'm going to keep pushing myself for a while, hopefully. I tend to not push myself.
I believe a wing will GREATLY assist me in completing these tasks and giving me a boost.
I'm doing this thing where I'm consistently improving some points of my life (meditation, withholding the hand to a moderate level, running, and sarging). Free times means more potential sarging time.
I did part of the Brad P. social freedom exercise (as much as I could do before sheer fright overtook me). I got a score that is below average, meaning I'm more socially anxious than the average person. Of course, I did COMPLETELY freak myself out beforehand.
No solicitors approached me, and I really didn't feel comfortable approaching them. Well, guess what?! Tomorrow, I WILL approach them, and start talking.
Just starting a random conversation is overwhelming for me. For hot girls, it's a battle between overwhelming social anxiety and how hot/attainable they are. If it's a hot hot girl who I might have a *shot* with, I will usually try my best to avoid the social anxiety. I think the SA is fucking with my openers when I do that, though, so I'm going to do these social freedom exercises until I get that shit handled. That means every day unless it's not possible.
I feel very lonely lately. Pretty much every aspect of my life is in the dumps right now. I have almost no friends, I have basically no established romantic prospects, I have no job, nor any prospects for a job forthcoming, and all kinds of negative shit I could list but won't.
Let's move onto the exercises I did today.
1. EC- Hard to find 3 people who were looking at me, and I did feel anxiety when looking at guys, making them think I was gay or something.
2. Ask for the time- EASY
3. Ask for directions- EASY
4. Ask for directions with 30 seconds of small talk- initially difficult to find a "good" candidate, but easy because the girl ended up being Japanese, so I chatted to her briefly about tourism in Boston and Tokyo. Also she had sweet Angelina Jolie Hackers hair.
5. Small talk with store clerk- Pretty poor. I asked the guy for directions to the water, and BRIEFLY BRIEFLY mentioned how I had fre time and a book, and I wanted to zone out, and then confirmed the directions. Chode.
6. Rapport seeker- No one approached me, and I didn't want to approach this big fat guy tending the doors at the 7-11 nor the hip hop CD selling guy who was chatting with his buddy. Chode.
7. Talk to clerk after getting rung up- Didn't totally accomplish this. I started talking to the clerk about the spring clothes going on clearance, but she led me awayt from the counter. I briefly chatted about the clothes, very "on-topic". Semi-chode.
8. Tell a joke to someone I know- who do I know that I...? Anyway, I sent the first line of a joke to a friend but he never texted back.
9. Dance a little- Easy.
10. Walk down the street singing- Fairly easy.
11. Walk up to a stranger, start convo, don't stop until he laughs- Didn't do it. CHODE.
12-18. Didn't do them. FULL CHODE. They were way too scary for me. I really suck at pushing myself, or I'm a total agoraphobic. Anyway...
That's the rundown today. I'm going to keep pushing myself for a while, hopefully. I tend to not push myself.
I believe a wing will GREATLY assist me in completing these tasks and giving me a boost.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Mo' Money, Mo' Problems
I came out to my mom about pickup. Kind of. She didn't seem to curious about it, but I mentioned that I probably spend 10-15 a week 'meeting women.' Beyond that, I didn't go into the community or sarging or techniques or whatever. But, at least that's off my chest.
BradP wrote a sweet post on mASF about how learning should be more regimented, and not a massive influx of information which is followed by paralysis by analysis- in other words, the recall of the PUA isn't great enough to process all the information he has in the field. I guess I really am constantly reading new stuff about pickup, and it's not helpful because a lot of it isn't practically useful for me RIGHT NOW. I definitely came into the scene soaking up every last bit of knowledge without applying it.
Anyway, it's getting colder, and you know what that means. It means that I won't want to go out as much. So, either I will spend less time in field, or I will become more hard-assed about going out. I f-in hate the winter, and almost surely have SAD. If only I lived in San Diego or Maui, where those kind of considerations aren't really necessary. Clouds, grey skies, and precipitation always dampen my mood. A clear June sky with temperatures in the 70's is gauranteed to put a smile on my face. I love it.
You know what else I love? I love slim half-asian girls. I'm talking SLIM and I'm talking half-Japanese. That is SWEEET and I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. Hahaha weird.
I'm withholding the hand for 5 days, starting a 5-day cycle program to keep my aggressiveness, intent, and overall HulkSmashness at peak. My life seems to be better when I moderate that shit. The first cycle ends on Sunday night.
BradP wrote a sweet post on mASF about how learning should be more regimented, and not a massive influx of information which is followed by paralysis by analysis- in other words, the recall of the PUA isn't great enough to process all the information he has in the field. I guess I really am constantly reading new stuff about pickup, and it's not helpful because a lot of it isn't practically useful for me RIGHT NOW. I definitely came into the scene soaking up every last bit of knowledge without applying it.
Anyway, it's getting colder, and you know what that means. It means that I won't want to go out as much. So, either I will spend less time in field, or I will become more hard-assed about going out. I f-in hate the winter, and almost surely have SAD. If only I lived in San Diego or Maui, where those kind of considerations aren't really necessary. Clouds, grey skies, and precipitation always dampen my mood. A clear June sky with temperatures in the 70's is gauranteed to put a smile on my face. I love it.
You know what else I love? I love slim half-asian girls. I'm talking SLIM and I'm talking half-Japanese. That is SWEEET and I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. Hahaha weird.
I'm withholding the hand for 5 days, starting a 5-day cycle program to keep my aggressiveness, intent, and overall HulkSmashness at peak. My life seems to be better when I moderate that shit. The first cycle ends on Sunday night.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
TO BE REVISED: The J-O-B
CURRENT JOB:
I'm curently working as an audio transcriber. It pays like 11 or 12 an hour, and I do it 4 hours a day if I'm working that day. If I work a full week (rare), I make just over 200. I can't work a full week, because I lose my mind doing this job. It's painful, and evil.
PROBLEM:
The main problem is that I simply don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life for a career. I've been temporarily interested in everything from concert pianist to hip hop producer, salesman, small business entrepreneur, and I'm sure the list WOULD continue were I not DECIDING right now to make a choice in my life and go for it.
It's becoming apparent to me that it's CRUCIAL I get a job/career that I LOVE, because I'm growing increasingly more frustrated with my work, my quality and quantity of transcription is decreasing daily, and I spend more time grinding and getting mired in my own situation. Also, I believe that my life overall is not good enough for me to be picking up women.
I know that you don't have to love your life, your job, or whatever to pick up women. One day I will subconsciously realize that (probably once I have righted this wrong). In the meantime, my frustration with the direction of my life is useful and important. I can use this frustration to build something for myself.
FAILURES:
I have tried countless times to get a fresh start, 'commit' to doing things, big and small, to amend the situation. My commitments almost always fail, and my starts are unerringly stale every time. I feel like a sucker. I never stop trying, yet I constantly give up when it means taking action. I would be 100X happier if I TRIED every time and simply failed, because that would mean I'm not a quitter, which is how I feel when I don't approach, don't do my work, don't fulfill some promise to myself or others, etc.
IDEAS:
I hold myself accountable only to my blogs and my thoughts. I can involve other people, even in the most simple of obligations until I am on my way. That would be best. I should include people in my life decisions, esp. my dad, with whom I'm living. That could provide some real leverage, because I really don't like being lectured or scolded by him on my obligations.
I have another post to make on my other blog. I'll come back and revise this later
I'm curently working as an audio transcriber. It pays like 11 or 12 an hour, and I do it 4 hours a day if I'm working that day. If I work a full week (rare), I make just over 200. I can't work a full week, because I lose my mind doing this job. It's painful, and evil.
PROBLEM:
The main problem is that I simply don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life for a career. I've been temporarily interested in everything from concert pianist to hip hop producer, salesman, small business entrepreneur, and I'm sure the list WOULD continue were I not DECIDING right now to make a choice in my life and go for it.
It's becoming apparent to me that it's CRUCIAL I get a job/career that I LOVE, because I'm growing increasingly more frustrated with my work, my quality and quantity of transcription is decreasing daily, and I spend more time grinding and getting mired in my own situation. Also, I believe that my life overall is not good enough for me to be picking up women.
I know that you don't have to love your life, your job, or whatever to pick up women. One day I will subconsciously realize that (probably once I have righted this wrong). In the meantime, my frustration with the direction of my life is useful and important. I can use this frustration to build something for myself.
FAILURES:
I have tried countless times to get a fresh start, 'commit' to doing things, big and small, to amend the situation. My commitments almost always fail, and my starts are unerringly stale every time. I feel like a sucker. I never stop trying, yet I constantly give up when it means taking action. I would be 100X happier if I TRIED every time and simply failed, because that would mean I'm not a quitter, which is how I feel when I don't approach, don't do my work, don't fulfill some promise to myself or others, etc.
IDEAS:
I hold myself accountable only to my blogs and my thoughts. I can involve other people, even in the most simple of obligations until I am on my way. That would be best. I should include people in my life decisions, esp. my dad, with whom I'm living. That could provide some real leverage, because I really don't like being lectured or scolded by him on my obligations.
I have another post to make on my other blog. I'll come back and revise this later
OR: Utterly typical
i sarged till my feet hurt. I walked for maybe 3 hours, opened maybe 3 or 4 girls. Nothing too impressive. The girls always seem to get nervous and want to get away from me. I think I'm smiling, so that should be defusing most of the creepy. I'm not really sure where I'm going wrong, but every set is filled with lots of nervousness (mostly from them). I freaked out pre-approach, wandered for 5-10 minutes talking myself up, finally approached crashed and burned on a goddamned 5 in the Coop. What the fuck!
Anyway, my sets are not good. I'm not a normal person or something. Maybe 70% of the responses I'm getting SHOULD be pinging to me that I am a weirdo and socially unacceptable. Thank god I don't care and don't live in a tribe. I am at the point of conversational normalcy, IMO, although there's some subcommunication that isnt coming out right. I will look into it.
The possible reasons are:
-personal space: I don't really violate this much lately
-smiling: I don't consciously think if I'm smiling or not, I might not be
-Awkward pauses: I have them because my mind is constantly blanking
I'm not great at picking apart my interactions, because I'm fully immersed in the nervousness and emotions of trying to be a cool person. It takes all my faculties to keep up conversationally and to be witty.
Also, I don't give myself permission to be as interesting as I could be, because I don't feel that I have a life worth talking about, as untrue as that may be. Haha damnit. Everybody else I know has sticking points emanating from their outer game (which, ironically, probably has some minimal basis in their inner game). Point being, I'm sabotaging myself because in my mind, beautiful and interesting women have no place in the life that I am living. Perhaps a lot of this is created by societal bullshit about financial success, etc. But as it stands now, I don't have a life I'm passionate about, and I don't want to share the life I'm living with others. Whew.
When I started this blog, it was going to be about pickup. I read other guys' blogs and they would often extend their posts to other things like career, friendships, etc. I wanted to compartmentalize it. That's a mistake.
Here's something interesting. My mom asked me today what I would do if I had any amount of money. It's a good question, but my mind blanked. I wanted to travel, but had no specific destination in mind. I eventually answered that I would go to the Siberian Steppes and meditate, because it sounds like a really cool time.
It's a good answer, but what was scary was the blankness in my mind when she asked about future plans. Even thinking about future plans fills my mind with self-doubt, limiting beliefs, and a cloud of negativity. I always switch topics when people ask me what I want to do for a job, or where I want to be in a few years. That stuff is scary.
I'm about to put up a post detailing my careerhood.
Anyway, my sets are not good. I'm not a normal person or something. Maybe 70% of the responses I'm getting SHOULD be pinging to me that I am a weirdo and socially unacceptable. Thank god I don't care and don't live in a tribe. I am at the point of conversational normalcy, IMO, although there's some subcommunication that isnt coming out right. I will look into it.
The possible reasons are:
-personal space: I don't really violate this much lately
-smiling: I don't consciously think if I'm smiling or not, I might not be
-Awkward pauses: I have them because my mind is constantly blanking
I'm not great at picking apart my interactions, because I'm fully immersed in the nervousness and emotions of trying to be a cool person. It takes all my faculties to keep up conversationally and to be witty.
Also, I don't give myself permission to be as interesting as I could be, because I don't feel that I have a life worth talking about, as untrue as that may be. Haha damnit. Everybody else I know has sticking points emanating from their outer game (which, ironically, probably has some minimal basis in their inner game). Point being, I'm sabotaging myself because in my mind, beautiful and interesting women have no place in the life that I am living. Perhaps a lot of this is created by societal bullshit about financial success, etc. But as it stands now, I don't have a life I'm passionate about, and I don't want to share the life I'm living with others. Whew.
When I started this blog, it was going to be about pickup. I read other guys' blogs and they would often extend their posts to other things like career, friendships, etc. I wanted to compartmentalize it. That's a mistake.
Here's something interesting. My mom asked me today what I would do if I had any amount of money. It's a good question, but my mind blanked. I wanted to travel, but had no specific destination in mind. I eventually answered that I would go to the Siberian Steppes and meditate, because it sounds like a really cool time.
It's a good answer, but what was scary was the blankness in my mind when she asked about future plans. Even thinking about future plans fills my mind with self-doubt, limiting beliefs, and a cloud of negativity. I always switch topics when people ask me what I want to do for a job, or where I want to be in a few years. That stuff is scary.
I'm about to put up a post detailing my careerhood.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Pudo- Path of the Pick Up
TO BECOME THE WISE MAN, FIRST YOU MUST BE THE FOOL
Lol if anyone has daygamed with me, then they know how much I love saying this. I'm going to say it to my targets more.
I went out today and opened 4 sets. Two didn't speak enoguh English and tried really hard to blow me off. One girl freaked out and kept walking. I can't remember the fourth set, but it was probably a boring asexual conversation and she bounced after chatting a few seconds.
I need to bring more personality to bear in these interactions. That means JOKES and TEASES. I don't seem to do this enough.
Lol if anyone has daygamed with me, then they know how much I love saying this. I'm going to say it to my targets more.
I went out today and opened 4 sets. Two didn't speak enoguh English and tried really hard to blow me off. One girl freaked out and kept walking. I can't remember the fourth set, but it was probably a boring asexual conversation and she bounced after chatting a few seconds.
I need to bring more personality to bear in these interactions. That means JOKES and TEASES. I don't seem to do this enough.
Friday, August 8, 2008
KUNG FU TRAINING
What makes kung fu movies so fun to watch?
It's the training montages.
It's fun to watch a young man have his understanding and capabilities challenged and increased by a wiser and older mentor. In many ways, that is how the great skillsets of the world are passed on: pickup, smithying, martial arts, sewmanship, sailing, etc. It's a passing on of knowledge. It's great to see someone pushing themselves and hitting the fundamentals OVER and OVER again in ways to increase their abilities.
Unfortunately, I never experienced anything specifically like that beyond classes at school in subjects that ultimately didn't interest me.
In the same way that martial artists do pushups with stones on their backs, I should do pickup with some element of my game missing: voice, expression, BL, kino, eye contact, etc.
Anyway, in case I haven't mentioned it before, this is brain fart week until Wednesday. No likes, uh, um, you know, right, basically, etc. I'm scrapping push-pull month, because I can't multi-focus like that. My brain is too damn simple.
It's the training montages.
It's fun to watch a young man have his understanding and capabilities challenged and increased by a wiser and older mentor. In many ways, that is how the great skillsets of the world are passed on: pickup, smithying, martial arts, sewmanship, sailing, etc. It's a passing on of knowledge. It's great to see someone pushing themselves and hitting the fundamentals OVER and OVER again in ways to increase their abilities.
Unfortunately, I never experienced anything specifically like that beyond classes at school in subjects that ultimately didn't interest me.
In the same way that martial artists do pushups with stones on their backs, I should do pickup with some element of my game missing: voice, expression, BL, kino, eye contact, etc.
Anyway, in case I haven't mentioned it before, this is brain fart week until Wednesday. No likes, uh, um, you know, right, basically, etc. I'm scrapping push-pull month, because I can't multi-focus like that. My brain is too damn simple.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Computer
My laptop's screen isn't working. I'm writing this from work. Updates will be analog (paper and pen) until I get my computer working again, or theoretically buy a new computer. If I do buy a new computer, it will be a desktop. Why not? It's easier to play games and waste time with, and I only use the portability of my laptop to watch the Blueprint at my mom's house in Westford. I could do that on one of her bf's spares. It's just basic AVI format, anyway. Anyway, I'm at a technological deficit- my iPod is broken/reset, laptop isn't workign, and I'm trying to avoid using ther XBOX. Just books, CDs, journals and my imagination, I guess.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
OR: Utterly FABULOUSLY FRUSTRATING
Another shitty day. I did everything right. I woke up with 9 hours of sleep, I exercised, I meditated, I ate correctly, went in and FUCKING STUNK UP THE TOWN. A crappy day without a single good reaction. I'm some kind of fucking loser. Seriously, my brain is flooding my consciousness with images of me being a weird loser with no friends.
Totally shitty. I'm pissed off. I didn't approach 3 girls that I should have and I didn't approach maybe a dozen girls that I COULD have. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I feel like I'm back at square one when I had massive approach anxiety, but more importantly, no sexual options. I feel like I have no choice, no options now, because I'm some kind of weirdo. What is my deal?
Somebody wing me, please! Tell me if I'm doing something bizarrely WRONG in my sets! I feel like something egregiously wrong is happening, like my dick is hanging out of my pants, or I'm Godzilla, or I'm holding a knife. Why these bad reactions? Why this shitty time? And why are the shitty reactions making me FEEL shitty?
AAAHAGHAHGAHHGHSGHGHA Scream therapy session in progress!
Totally shitty. I'm pissed off. I didn't approach 3 girls that I should have and I didn't approach maybe a dozen girls that I COULD have. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I feel like I'm back at square one when I had massive approach anxiety, but more importantly, no sexual options. I feel like I have no choice, no options now, because I'm some kind of weirdo. What is my deal?
Somebody wing me, please! Tell me if I'm doing something bizarrely WRONG in my sets! I feel like something egregiously wrong is happening, like my dick is hanging out of my pants, or I'm Godzilla, or I'm holding a knife. Why these bad reactions? Why this shitty time? And why are the shitty reactions making me FEEL shitty?
AAAHAGHAHGAHHGHSGHGHA Scream therapy session in progress!
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