End of Sabbatical Notes

I had a very interesting sabbatical from pick up. It was funny how easy it was to drop forum browsing and sarging from my life. I saw a few guys from the lair outside of a sarging context, which was fun. For the most part, I didn't sarge girls, although I did hang out at night with some and just kind of busted their balls to get a reaction. I did consciously find myself wanting to follow up on the females, but that was something that I was trying to keep out of my life and mind.

The overall purpose of my sabbatical was to get a job and get my life on track. I did, in fact, do a job search, but didn't follow through nearly as hard as I should have. I haven't heard back from the places I interviewed. Thus, I still have no job, and did not fulfill the purpose of my sabbatical. I underestimated my resistance to getting a full-time job and committing myself to the job search process. I'm starting to get there, and I'm getting a lot of support from family and friends, which is cool, but it's embarrasing to spend a month almost exclusively focusing on this part of my life and then not being able to capitalize.

I did accomplish other things, which I don't want to emphasize more than my failure to get a job (which was my first priority), but they were extremely important in their own right. I figured out where pick up should figure in my life. PU is something that is marginally important to who I am, but is something I really want to explore until I get the end result I'm looking for (LTR). I'm willing to commit a sizable portion of my free time being out in field, but never at the expense of other things, like job stuff, seeing friends, doing necessary stuff, etc. Also, if I'm going to continue going in the field, I need to start capitalizing more on the opportunity. That means I actually analyze where the sarge is going right and wrong, hitting more sets, and making adjustments to my game.

I came to the conclusion that I'm unwilling to settle for less than a girl that is absolutely fantastic. That means HSE HB9+ that's living by her own values and that I feel connected to beyond a mutual fulfillment of needs. I will stay in the game until I can needlessly and jealouslessly date a girl like that exclusively. Incidentally, I have two goals from my "to do before I die/'Bucket list'" that are to FB/LTR/MLTR a hip hop video dancer and an Asian import model with fake tits (although not necessarily simultaneously), so I will hopefully make those things happen as well during my PU career.

I have started to solidify who I am. I have connected the concept of " 'right action' and being a generally good human being" to the concept of "being a man". I am a man, and as a result, I have the responsibility of providing for myself, and eventually for a family. I have the responsibility of living my life with complete awareness and long-term planning. I have the responsibility of being able to survive and flourish in most conditions, both normal and extreme. I have the responsibility of exploring and discovering the world on my terms. I have the responsibility of loving other people unconditionally and leaving the world a better place. I think that Blueprint had a lot to do with this transformation, as well as the Power of Now. Add to that a lot of reflection on my past failings, and where I want to go in the future.

I don't spend enough time with old friends, and making new ones. I hung out with a few old friends this break, and it was really eye-opening. I need to make more friends in general in Boston. For a long time, I figured being a nice guy (I consider myself a nice guy) would be sufficient to spontaneously generate friends. But I need to follow up on cool people that I meet to make that happen. Also, it means a willingness to meet and be unconditionally cool with people who potentially have nothing to offer me. I am able to do this depending on my mood, but I want to really be conscious and present most of the time. If this post sounds ranty and difficult to follow, you're right. It is.

I need to bring more of myself to the table when I'm around other people. I don't mean necessarily that in the past I've been fake or whatever, but I mean expressing myself without stifling. I'm trying to be as real and expressive of whatever with people, no matter who I'm talking to. This is often pleasant and enjoyable, especially when I start talking to people about things I'm totally passionate about.

However. I've been experiencing an intersection of self-expression and miscalibration where what I naturally want to express is weird. Becoming a more attractive person will hopefully eliminate this tendency, but I dunno- I've always been a weird guy, and that might be something I'll always bring to the table. A good example would be beatboxing during lulls, quoting movies, doing my little p1an0hands dance (people who roll with me know what I mean :P), singing, exaggerated movements for comedic affect (although it amuses me to no end, it looks try-hard) etc. I'd love to hear what other people have to say on this subject. I know all of these things except for singing fly in the face of standard PU material (TD's 25 points, etc.) Oh, everyone knows I'm a high energy guy, so there's that, too.

Oh, and I realized that not hanging out with my wings for a month can suck. Lots of cool people out there I like hanging out with, for PU and beyond.

I learned a lot about how I think, and how I go from desiring something to making it happen. I also learned a lot about needing to FULLY desire something to have any chance of making it reality. This is specifically about jobs, but also about other things.

I spent the first half of my sabbatical trying to find jobs while consciously and subconsciously NOT WANTING a job. I spent the second half changing my own mind, which is easier than I expected. Having a job is something I tied to being a man, which is something that I would experience EXTREME PAIN if I didn't do.

Not "being a man" in the way I understand it is perhaps the most inexcusable thing I can do. It's similar, to me, to throwing away my own life, or castrating myself, or whatever. In a more utilitarian sense, it embodies the concept of creating my own future that can be used to make me do "right action" when I'm in crisis and don't want to follow through on things I need to do. I finally found something that really ties all of my desires together cogently, and can keep me from fucking up as long as I'm 'conscious'.

I'm thinking about getting the male/Mars symbol tattoed on my right chest, because it's that important to me. I even drew it onto a photo of myself on mspaint, and it looked stupid. If anyone has a suggestion of a cooler way to draw the Mars symble, which is the circle with the arrow attached to it pointing NE, let me know. Not on the dick/genital vicinity.