Sunday, April 27, 2008
End of Sabbatical Notes
I had a very interesting sabbatical from pick up. It was funny how easy it was to drop forum browsing and sarging from my life. I saw a few guys from the lair outside of a sarging context, which was fun. For the most part, I didn't sarge girls, although I did hang out at night with some and just kind of busted their balls to get a reaction. I did consciously find myself wanting to follow up on the females, but that was something that I was trying to keep out of my life and mind.
The overall purpose of my sabbatical was to get a job and get my life on track. I did, in fact, do a job search, but didn't follow through nearly as hard as I should have. I haven't heard back from the places I interviewed. Thus, I still have no job, and did not fulfill the purpose of my sabbatical. I underestimated my resistance to getting a full-time job and committing myself to the job search process. I'm starting to get there, and I'm getting a lot of support from family and friends, which is cool, but it's embarrasing to spend a month almost exclusively focusing on this part of my life and then not being able to capitalize.
I did accomplish other things, which I don't want to emphasize more than my failure to get a job (which was my first priority), but they were extremely important in their own right. I figured out where pick up should figure in my life. PU is something that is marginally important to who I am, but is something I really want to explore until I get the end result I'm looking for (LTR). I'm willing to commit a sizable portion of my free time being out in field, but never at the expense of other things, like job stuff, seeing friends, doing necessary stuff, etc. Also, if I'm going to continue going in the field, I need to start capitalizing more on the opportunity. That means I actually analyze where the sarge is going right and wrong, hitting more sets, and making adjustments to my game.
I came to the conclusion that I'm unwilling to settle for less than a girl that is absolutely fantastic. That means HSE HB9+ that's living by her own values and that I feel connected to beyond a mutual fulfillment of needs. I will stay in the game until I can needlessly and jealouslessly date a girl like that exclusively. Incidentally, I have two goals from my "to do before I die/'Bucket list'" that are to FB/LTR/MLTR a hip hop video dancer and an Asian import model with fake tits (although not necessarily simultaneously), so I will hopefully make those things happen as well during my PU career.
I have started to solidify who I am. I have connected the concept of " 'right action' and being a generally good human being" to the concept of "being a man". I am a man, and as a result, I have the responsibility of providing for myself, and eventually for a family. I have the responsibility of living my life with complete awareness and long-term planning. I have the responsibility of being able to survive and flourish in most conditions, both normal and extreme. I have the responsibility of exploring and discovering the world on my terms. I have the responsibility of loving other people unconditionally and leaving the world a better place. I think that Blueprint had a lot to do with this transformation, as well as the Power of Now. Add to that a lot of reflection on my past failings, and where I want to go in the future.
I don't spend enough time with old friends, and making new ones. I hung out with a few old friends this break, and it was really eye-opening. I need to make more friends in general in Boston. For a long time, I figured being a nice guy (I consider myself a nice guy) would be sufficient to spontaneously generate friends. But I need to follow up on cool people that I meet to make that happen. Also, it means a willingness to meet and be unconditionally cool with people who potentially have nothing to offer me. I am able to do this depending on my mood, but I want to really be conscious and present most of the time. If this post sounds ranty and difficult to follow, you're right. It is.
I need to bring more of myself to the table when I'm around other people. I don't mean necessarily that in the past I've been fake or whatever, but I mean expressing myself without stifling. I'm trying to be as real and expressive of whatever with people, no matter who I'm talking to. This is often pleasant and enjoyable, especially when I start talking to people about things I'm totally passionate about.
However. I've been experiencing an intersection of self-expression and miscalibration where what I naturally want to express is weird. Becoming a more attractive person will hopefully eliminate this tendency, but I dunno- I've always been a weird guy, and that might be something I'll always bring to the table. A good example would be beatboxing during lulls, quoting movies, doing my little p1an0hands dance (people who roll with me know what I mean :P), singing, exaggerated movements for comedic affect (although it amuses me to no end, it looks try-hard) etc. I'd love to hear what other people have to say on this subject. I know all of these things except for singing fly in the face of standard PU material (TD's 25 points, etc.) Oh, everyone knows I'm a high energy guy, so there's that, too.
Oh, and I realized that not hanging out with my wings for a month can suck. Lots of cool people out there I like hanging out with, for PU and beyond.
I learned a lot about how I think, and how I go from desiring something to making it happen. I also learned a lot about needing to FULLY desire something to have any chance of making it reality. This is specifically about jobs, but also about other things.
I spent the first half of my sabbatical trying to find jobs while consciously and subconsciously NOT WANTING a job. I spent the second half changing my own mind, which is easier than I expected. Having a job is something I tied to being a man, which is something that I would experience EXTREME PAIN if I didn't do.
Not "being a man" in the way I understand it is perhaps the most inexcusable thing I can do. It's similar, to me, to throwing away my own life, or castrating myself, or whatever. In a more utilitarian sense, it embodies the concept of creating my own future that can be used to make me do "right action" when I'm in crisis and don't want to follow through on things I need to do. I finally found something that really ties all of my desires together cogently, and can keep me from fucking up as long as I'm 'conscious'.
I'm thinking about getting the male/Mars symbol tattoed on my right chest, because it's that important to me. I even drew it onto a photo of myself on mspaint, and it looked stupid. If anyone has a suggestion of a cooler way to draw the Mars symble, which is the circle with the arrow attached to it pointing NE, let me know. Not on the dick/genital vicinity.
The overall purpose of my sabbatical was to get a job and get my life on track. I did, in fact, do a job search, but didn't follow through nearly as hard as I should have. I haven't heard back from the places I interviewed. Thus, I still have no job, and did not fulfill the purpose of my sabbatical. I underestimated my resistance to getting a full-time job and committing myself to the job search process. I'm starting to get there, and I'm getting a lot of support from family and friends, which is cool, but it's embarrasing to spend a month almost exclusively focusing on this part of my life and then not being able to capitalize.
I did accomplish other things, which I don't want to emphasize more than my failure to get a job (which was my first priority), but they were extremely important in their own right. I figured out where pick up should figure in my life. PU is something that is marginally important to who I am, but is something I really want to explore until I get the end result I'm looking for (LTR). I'm willing to commit a sizable portion of my free time being out in field, but never at the expense of other things, like job stuff, seeing friends, doing necessary stuff, etc. Also, if I'm going to continue going in the field, I need to start capitalizing more on the opportunity. That means I actually analyze where the sarge is going right and wrong, hitting more sets, and making adjustments to my game.
I came to the conclusion that I'm unwilling to settle for less than a girl that is absolutely fantastic. That means HSE HB9+ that's living by her own values and that I feel connected to beyond a mutual fulfillment of needs. I will stay in the game until I can needlessly and jealouslessly date a girl like that exclusively. Incidentally, I have two goals from my "to do before I die/'Bucket list'" that are to FB/LTR/MLTR a hip hop video dancer and an Asian import model with fake tits (although not necessarily simultaneously), so I will hopefully make those things happen as well during my PU career.
I have started to solidify who I am. I have connected the concept of " 'right action' and being a generally good human being" to the concept of "being a man". I am a man, and as a result, I have the responsibility of providing for myself, and eventually for a family. I have the responsibility of living my life with complete awareness and long-term planning. I have the responsibility of being able to survive and flourish in most conditions, both normal and extreme. I have the responsibility of exploring and discovering the world on my terms. I have the responsibility of loving other people unconditionally and leaving the world a better place. I think that Blueprint had a lot to do with this transformation, as well as the Power of Now. Add to that a lot of reflection on my past failings, and where I want to go in the future.
I don't spend enough time with old friends, and making new ones. I hung out with a few old friends this break, and it was really eye-opening. I need to make more friends in general in Boston. For a long time, I figured being a nice guy (I consider myself a nice guy) would be sufficient to spontaneously generate friends. But I need to follow up on cool people that I meet to make that happen. Also, it means a willingness to meet and be unconditionally cool with people who potentially have nothing to offer me. I am able to do this depending on my mood, but I want to really be conscious and present most of the time. If this post sounds ranty and difficult to follow, you're right. It is.
I need to bring more of myself to the table when I'm around other people. I don't mean necessarily that in the past I've been fake or whatever, but I mean expressing myself without stifling. I'm trying to be as real and expressive of whatever with people, no matter who I'm talking to. This is often pleasant and enjoyable, especially when I start talking to people about things I'm totally passionate about.
However. I've been experiencing an intersection of self-expression and miscalibration where what I naturally want to express is weird. Becoming a more attractive person will hopefully eliminate this tendency, but I dunno- I've always been a weird guy, and that might be something I'll always bring to the table. A good example would be beatboxing during lulls, quoting movies, doing my little p1an0hands dance (people who roll with me know what I mean :P), singing, exaggerated movements for comedic affect (although it amuses me to no end, it looks try-hard) etc. I'd love to hear what other people have to say on this subject. I know all of these things except for singing fly in the face of standard PU material (TD's 25 points, etc.) Oh, everyone knows I'm a high energy guy, so there's that, too.
Oh, and I realized that not hanging out with my wings for a month can suck. Lots of cool people out there I like hanging out with, for PU and beyond.
I learned a lot about how I think, and how I go from desiring something to making it happen. I also learned a lot about needing to FULLY desire something to have any chance of making it reality. This is specifically about jobs, but also about other things.
I spent the first half of my sabbatical trying to find jobs while consciously and subconsciously NOT WANTING a job. I spent the second half changing my own mind, which is easier than I expected. Having a job is something I tied to being a man, which is something that I would experience EXTREME PAIN if I didn't do.
Not "being a man" in the way I understand it is perhaps the most inexcusable thing I can do. It's similar, to me, to throwing away my own life, or castrating myself, or whatever. In a more utilitarian sense, it embodies the concept of creating my own future that can be used to make me do "right action" when I'm in crisis and don't want to follow through on things I need to do. I finally found something that really ties all of my desires together cogently, and can keep me from fucking up as long as I'm 'conscious'.
I'm thinking about getting the male/Mars symbol tattoed on my right chest, because it's that important to me. I even drew it onto a photo of myself on mspaint, and it looked stupid. If anyone has a suggestion of a cooler way to draw the Mars symble, which is the circle with the arrow attached to it pointing NE, let me know. Not on the dick/genital vicinity.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Killing the autopilot
I went out with a bunch of females last night, and I was doing my best to turn off the sarging autopilot function. I made meaningful and cool convo with my friend Laura, and got in snippets of conversation with the other girls before I realized I was chatting with ADD drunk chicks. I was very social and bringing maybe 90% of Evan to the table. There were times when I wasn't being authentic. It happens. I just broke rapport hardcore with the girls after that, which was too sargey for me. It's cool that I have flirting ingrained into who I am, but it's an automatic function that I sometimes want to see turned off. I want female friends, true to Mr. Awesome's post. To be fair, they were too drunk and retarded to really talk to. It happens.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
STD's
Just wanted to mention this:
STDs scare me. I don't want the Hiv, don't want herp, drip, clap, crabs, whatever. I'm clean as far as I know (I was tested before the last 2 sexual partners I've had).
However. I've read statistics about where guys, and especially girls, lie about having STDs to their sexual partners because it's "none of their business" or "unimportant" or whatever. This SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I don't want some girl that will lie about potentially giving me a life-long disease just so she can get her nuts off, so to speak. Asking if a girl has an STD before sexual stuff is a precaution I will always take, but that isn't even remotely 100% effective.
In the future, there will be insta-STD tests you can take that will come with condoms. Unfortunately, the future is not now. I don't know how I can ever be 100% sure that my partners don't have STDs if we don't both get tested for it.
If I fuck enough girls, statistically I will eventually get STDs. I heard that HIV can penetrate a condom because it is a virus and therefore too small to prevent transmission. To quote Scooby-Doo, "GULP!". If I had an STD, you better fucking believe I'd tell a girl that I have it. By the same logic, a girl unwilling to disclose because she's horny, probably won't care about an STD, or she will and who cares. Girls are STD-ridden virus mules!!! I will never bone again!!!! 8]
STDs scare me. I don't want the Hiv, don't want herp, drip, clap, crabs, whatever. I'm clean as far as I know (I was tested before the last 2 sexual partners I've had).
However. I've read statistics about where guys, and especially girls, lie about having STDs to their sexual partners because it's "none of their business" or "unimportant" or whatever. This SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I don't want some girl that will lie about potentially giving me a life-long disease just so she can get her nuts off, so to speak. Asking if a girl has an STD before sexual stuff is a precaution I will always take, but that isn't even remotely 100% effective.
In the future, there will be insta-STD tests you can take that will come with condoms. Unfortunately, the future is not now. I don't know how I can ever be 100% sure that my partners don't have STDs if we don't both get tested for it.
If I fuck enough girls, statistically I will eventually get STDs. I heard that HIV can penetrate a condom because it is a virus and therefore too small to prevent transmission. To quote Scooby-Doo, "GULP!". If I had an STD, you better fucking believe I'd tell a girl that I have it. By the same logic, a girl unwilling to disclose because she's horny, probably won't care about an STD, or she will and who cares. Girls are STD-ridden virus mules!!! I will never bone again!!!! 8]
Monday, April 7, 2008
12 Days In
It has been 12 days of being pickup free, although I kind of cheated Saturday night. I visited my buddy at UMA, and I hit up a party and chatted up females. But it was in the context of rolling with my buddies, so it's all good. I haven't gone to mASF, RSDnation, BLair (in fact, I can't even get in to see if anyone suggested a job I could take on my 'break' thread... did Warwick boot me?), Bristollair, or whatever. I have briefly checked some of the blogs out there, only because I know the people, and it's a way to see what's going on, plus they sometimes are interesting beyond PU stuff. I haven't actively sarged girls besides the UMA trip, and I've tried to put my energy into job searching and solidifying my identity.
My reflections on 'leaving the community' are as follows:
-FMAC is trivial in the larger scheme of life.
-Trivial as boning girls is, it's something that is directly tied into my ego. It's somewhat comforting to give myself permission not to sarge, but seeing beautiful girls (especially at the UMA party) with dudes makes me fairly jealous and desiring of beautiful women in my life.
-The Blueprint is awesome. I have been watching it because a lot of it has to do with identity, societal norms, and other useful and enlightening concepts.
-A lot of my friends are in the Lair. In fact, at this point, I mostly am seeing lair people rather than friends from elsewhere.
-I don't have friends outside of the Lair, College, and High School. That's a problem. I need to expand my horizons.
-Trying to focus all of my energy on one thing is difficult for me, because of my problems with sustained focus. I have too many little things I do that soak up my time. I'll talk about this on my life blog, because it has little to do with PU.
-I am not satisfied with my level of success with women.
-I have a clearer idea of where women fit into my life. I am looking for a long term exclusive relationship, but I don't need to have one, and I won't settle until a girl fulfills real qualifications for real. I won't blur the lines because of neediness or whatever. I will make exceptions only for certain girls: that specifically includes hip hop video dancers and import models. There are seperate, purely physical requirements for them. I am very much not looking for one night stands, unless the situations necessitates it. With plenty of exceptions, I generally feel pretty uncomfortable fucking without knowing the girl well.
-Without a job, I'm dead in the water. Without a life, I'm dead in the water. This isn't because it's externally important to women, but because it's internally disruptive for me.
My reflections on 'leaving the community' are as follows:
-FMAC is trivial in the larger scheme of life.
-Trivial as boning girls is, it's something that is directly tied into my ego. It's somewhat comforting to give myself permission not to sarge, but seeing beautiful girls (especially at the UMA party) with dudes makes me fairly jealous and desiring of beautiful women in my life.
-The Blueprint is awesome. I have been watching it because a lot of it has to do with identity, societal norms, and other useful and enlightening concepts.
-A lot of my friends are in the Lair. In fact, at this point, I mostly am seeing lair people rather than friends from elsewhere.
-I don't have friends outside of the Lair, College, and High School. That's a problem. I need to expand my horizons.
-Trying to focus all of my energy on one thing is difficult for me, because of my problems with sustained focus. I have too many little things I do that soak up my time. I'll talk about this on my life blog, because it has little to do with PU.
-I am not satisfied with my level of success with women.
-I have a clearer idea of where women fit into my life. I am looking for a long term exclusive relationship, but I don't need to have one, and I won't settle until a girl fulfills real qualifications for real. I won't blur the lines because of neediness or whatever. I will make exceptions only for certain girls: that specifically includes hip hop video dancers and import models. There are seperate, purely physical requirements for them. I am very much not looking for one night stands, unless the situations necessitates it. With plenty of exceptions, I generally feel pretty uncomfortable fucking without knowing the girl well.
-Without a job, I'm dead in the water. Without a life, I'm dead in the water. This isn't because it's externally important to women, but because it's internally disruptive for me.
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