As long as I have a shred of neediness in my body, as long as I'm not 100% sure of my ability to attract, comfort, fuck, and date a beautiful woman, the NEED for a woman in my life will always be the emotionally sticky, self-esteem-changing thing that it has been for the rest of my life.

I realized lately that I can bone girls. I realized that I'm a normal guy and can pull when certain moons align. What I also realized is that I can really multiply that effectiveness if I study PU. I was studying PU to become normal, which was putting the cart before the horse.

i don't need to study PU to feel normal or socially acceptable. I now want to study PU for the truer reason of desiring poon and getting laid and getting trim. I don't want to study PU to have people like me or to be interesting or normal. That's done with, I'm there. I see now how certain guys got to the point of getting really good at PU. First they had to be normalized, which is something I think I've experienced. UGH

lesson learned

when i drink, it becomes incredibly difficult to:
-keep it up
-come
-focus on the female

if i'm sober, and i can see what's going on (i'm super visual during sex), then no problem. if i'm drunk, then it's going to require herculean efforts to finish up. i see the pattern now, and I'm going to avoid drinking when i believe a female is coming through, and not worry when i don't think a female is coming through.

respect.

Pahty

Hit up a party. Alcohol + women + me = flirt zone. I was doing great last night. Attracted the girl I wanted, but had logistical problems get in the way. Should have grabbed her number, but I hadn't qualified her enough. Also chatted with her friend and got her semi-attracted, as well. The main difference between sober and drunk me is that I keep talking when I'm drunk.

going out

Went out. Saw maybe 5 girls alone that were cute. Tried to open one, but I let her get away. I opened another but she walked away (headphones, but I think she noticed me), and didn't open the rest. There were absurd amounts of hot girls with friends, but groups still weird me out, and I have no idea how to make that happen. It's something I'm not used to.

I got annoyed at the BL forums getting clogged with off-topic posts about articles and cute videos, but people don't like it when I say that it's off-topic, so whatever. I'm not Warwick, or even a deputy moderator, so it's not my place. I guess I was just annoyed that we have an established off-topic forum and it never gets used, but valuable posts are being swarmed by stuff that I don't think is particularly helpful. Boobies. I think I should steer clear of BL until I have something useful and SPECIFIC to offer, because I have no real business being there and spending my time reading posts, etc.

Going out tomorrow.

I got a haircut today, and it's totally generic, not at all interesting. I'm starting to question the awesomeness of Ojee's.

I'll be attending the Saturday even where Entropy will be speaking. I'm looking forward to hearing him talk. It's on post-lay stuff, which isn't relevant to my life, but I'd like to hear, learn anyway, and support.

Haven't been going out much, or doing much.

LR: Drunk

Hooked up with hot black chick (7.5), but couldn't get it up when it came to penetrating, even after she Beejed me. Very nice girl, too bad I couldn't f her brains out.

My game was commanding the interactions, being very funny, having one or two similarities, and a little bit of push pull. She was also kind of drunk. I had been drinking too, but I don't really think that contributed to the dick problem. I just couldn't get it up, and started to have some really negative feelings, but I cancelled those out, and ended up feeling neutral about it. It happens.

Whatever.

The next day was very awkward for me.

Incidentally, I had sabotaged my HMO-less streak, so it had been one day. I don't know what that means, but it may have affected my performance.

I think it played it as best I could, you know, not taking myself too seriously, thinking just about how good her body felt, relaxing as much as possible. No dice.

Anti-onanistic Observation

Not jerking it helps SO MUCH for approach anxiety, desire, normalization of behavior. After 5 days of restriction, I went out today, and had almost no anxiety. I'm going to regulate it to every 5 days or maybe 7 if that increases my aggression. I even sent in a job application to a local temporary staffing group.

Is withholding masturbating my salvation?

I will just count off the days. Unlike pretty much everything else in my life, I won't need charts or graphs or checklists or calendars to keep track of it, because I feel every day going past.

Being fearless when talking to girls is such a wonderful payoff for the resistance of my habits and urges.

Today is Day 1. Saturday will be Day 6. I will withhold until I feel a decrease in aggression, and then scale it back to the zenith.

minor note

daygame approached a korean 6. she didn't speak much english, but was clearly trying very hard to blow me off. first daygame approach for real in about a month or two.

Update

Apparently, some of my friends (community) read this blog from time to time, so time to throw up something.

Fact is, I've been much more focused on things outside of women. I don't have the lifestyle to have/enjoy a lot of women in my life right now (jobless and living in quincy with my dad doesn't do it for me). I've been more focused on what I will do for money, focused on silly trivial pursuits, and focused on distracting but somewhat useful things (working out, yoga, cleaning the house, etc.). I haven't been out talking to girls in a while, and I suspect that once I start doing it regularly again, I will be massively rusty.

In other news, I put on a tuxedo and bow tie, along with my suit, and I make a sweet James Bond, and I will wear that James Bond outfit to Philadelphia for the opening day of the new James Bond movie with my awesome sister. Then we will apparently go on a 7-hour meditation retreat? Whatever.

AWESOME

Funniest thing ever:
Last 60 seconds of the episode "Mac bangs Dennis's Mom" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Update

Haven't been going out. No other significant updates.

Interracial marriage

Quotes from Wikipedia
"By 2006, 41 percent of Asian American-born women were registered as having Caucasian husbands, while 50 percent were married to Asian American men."
"In the 2000 census... 95,831 Caucasian American male to African American female marriages were recorded..."
Other conclusions:
-There may be a trend between greater education and less endogamy.
-People date are more likely to date outside of their race than to marry outside of it.

Point being: THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL!!!!

Meta Sticking Points (IOW, REAL sticking points)

I know one or two people actually read my blog, so beware: this post is very stream of consciousness, and is probably difficult to read/digest.

Sticking Points:
1. I'm not comfortable around women.
2. I don't trust women (I think they're going to hurt me or make me look foolish).
3. I have no faith in my sexual abilities.
4. I'm not living a life that I love.
5. I think hot and even middling women have no use for me (sexually nor socially) because their lives are filled with more competent, interesting, and successful men than me.
6. I resent how much easier a life women have in many areas which which I struggle (social skills, getting laid).
7. My imagination almost never allows me to see a positive resolution/outcome (If I visualize myself opening the set, something bad will happen. If I visualize myself boning a girl, there will be absurd drama, like an ex with a gun or a hostage situation, lol.)

Logistical sticking points:
1a. I don't go out reliably and approach reliably.
2a. I don't push myself to extend interactions.
3a. I allow myself to run out of things to say.
4a. I'm not comfortable in-set, unless things are going visibly very well.

My ideas for solutions:
1. Get female friends. Approach more sets. Immerse myself in an abundance mentality with women. Spend time around women (aYoooga?!) EDIT: Spend time outside of the house. Live life with other people in social places. Get out of the damn house!
2. Therapy. Lol seriously? Or talk to women and realize that everyone has their own vulnerabilities. Also, start getting success at pickup and socializing and dispel all the hilarious conspiracy theories about women wanting to shame me or hurt me.
3. Keep on plugging away and focus on implementing DEVI into my sexuality. Based on my experiences with sex thus far, ongoing improvement in sexuality will be my metric for sexual confidence, because my past isn't encouraging.
4. Get a better job, make friends, follow my passions (this solution is the most bullshit of all. All I have to do to fix this is transform my entire life. At the same time, I can see how simple a lot of these things are. Getting a job I love is as simple as DECIDING on something I love doing, and plugging away at that until I succeed or can't continue).
5. Start hooking up with hot women. Meet guys that are boning hot women, and learn from them! This is all an illusion. Hot women want me, if I can SHOW them that I have what they want (which IMO is social juice and sexual expertise. I feel like being a decent human being is optional for hooking up with hot girls. Question: could an evil villain bro with AMAZING sexual and social skills keep women around? Would they be quality females?)
6. Start succeeding. Recognize that everyone has their own life and struggles, and it's different for everyone. (Women have their own problems, too.)
7. CANCEL the negative glimpses into the possible future. Why look for anything beyond what will help me? Deal with the bad in the present when it HAPPENS, anticipate the good in the future.

1a. I've struggled with this for a long time. The things that work are:
-I go out more when I have a routinized day (a regular free time for going out to scout pussy).
-I approach much more when I have a wing, and even more when I have a wing that I look up to or am good friends with.
-I approach more when I have a good attitude/outlook and I'm having fun, whatever that means. My definition of "fun" is seriously bizarre these days. (Lately I tend to be amused by lots of meta- stuff, like human foibles, awkward situations, people trying to hide an agenda, etc.)
-I tend to stop going out for a while when I have a bout of low self-esteem, a sicknesss, a schedule change, or I become engrossed in a TV show/video game.
-I tend to not approach much when I am unhappy, thinking about some problem in my life, or am feeling self-conscious.
2a. More social pressure resistance thru more sets. Also, eyes on the prize mentality (meeting new people, trying to share my core, then fucking) where the prize is my motivation for being in set, not a desire to be liked or tolerated or amusing.
3a. Unstifle my inner core. My inner core is already funnier, more garrulous, more convincing, and more REAL than I could ever truly need to harness. I just need to unstifle it. HOW? Social pressure resistance. Being more ad lib. Saying things on my mind without editing. Sharing weaknesses and worries tends to help me unstifle around others (although it's depressing and there's gotta be a better way).
4a. Share as much as I can, every time. Massive field experience. Learn to plow. Allow the moment to "be", and all human failures I might commit are acceptable.

Condams

Bought 50-pack of Durex Extra Sensitive condoms for $17.95 at Condom Depot. The 100-pack is 25$. Once I think I have enough room for 50 more, that'll be my purchase. The usefulness of the bargains taper off from there, although it's $125 for 1000, which is sweet. Isn't 50 enough for now?

I don't currently have need for that many, but it's less than 20$, and I don't have to transfer one older condom from pocket to pocket to backpack to whatever. Now it's box to jeans, or box to pocket, yada yada.

In other news, my dad and grandparents pitched in to buy me two new custom-tailored shirts. The cost: $370. They better have some kind of amazing function, like creating a Power Rangers Zord or shooting flames.

Yoga has been fucking with my pectorals, so it's difficult to stretch out my arms without pain. However, I love yoga, and will probably do it every day for the next 2-3 months. It's worth the $100-a-month cost. It is, however, taking up all my free time, and I hydrate all day and plan my day around it. If i did it earlier (630 AM, 9 AM) perhaps I would have more time to do shit.

Once I begin my job, I will almost certainly have to do the 630 AM class, so that will involve a lot of time rescheduling. Anyway, whatever. F this S, and S a D. I'm going to bed early, and will celebrate Columbus Day by getting into the field.

Also, I need female friends. How do I get them?

Yoga

Yoga is good. I don't want to make any claims that I can't back up. I've only been doing it for 3 days, and I think I feel better in general, possibly as a result.

I do it in combination with cardio and weightlifting, because I saw that Jlaix used to write about doing it for the "athletic" look or whatever. Point being, I want a swimmer's body, a yogi's flexibility, and a marathon runner's endurance. Why? Two reasons.
1. Sexy times.
2. Feeling sexy.
That's all.

OR

I haven't been out in a while, so when I do go out, things get ugly. Awkwardness, running out of things to say, AA, whatever. That was followed this morning by lots of crappy feelings about pickup and life. It's true, if self-pity could be canned, it would sell better than crack.

Gotta get over myself,a nd do something. I'm going to run, work on my abs, and then do yoga.